Classic joke thread...

[philw]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity
music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00
depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women have always complained about men staring
at their tits and not listening to them.

nice

can not wait for them to come out so for me to set up for people and to fix up

[Solus]

The Oakland Raiders coach had put together the perfect team. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges,the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a player who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

One night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. The Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!”

[Big Frank]

Mr. Jones went to Dr. Smith for a prostate exam.

Dr. Smith says, " It's not uncommon to get an erection at this point in the exam Mr. Jones."

Mr. Jones says, "But I don't have an erection."

Dr. Smith says, "I wasn't talking about you."

[GTnCFL]

From my son currently serving in Afganistan!!

Military Friends vs. Civilian Friends***
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ... ... ...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild stuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but hey, that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relationship problems and hope it works out for you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and won't talk to you for months.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and 5 minutes later hugging it out, saying why were we fighting again?
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to work free drinks all night.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost this

[GTnCFL]

Also from my son in Afganistan!!

[Sponsor]

[bulldog75]

From my son currently serving in Afganistan!!

Military Friends vs. Civilian Friends***
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will post 360 security so you dont get caught.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs. ... ... ...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Know some wild stuff will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we f**ked up...but hey, that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will listen to your relationship problems and hope it works out for you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will listen to you over a long hard road march, and will help you straighten it out better than Dr. Phil.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Might try to hit on your girl behind your back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have spooned with you in the field more than your girl has, and would never even think about doing that.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and won't talk to you for months.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Get into a fight with each other and 5 minutes later hugging it out, saying why were we fighting again?
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will wish you had enough money to go out that night, and are sorry you couldn't come.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will share their last dollar with you, drag you along, and try to work free drinks all night.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Want the money they loaned you back next week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will tell you "They'd take a bullet for you."
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will actually take a bullet for you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will ignore this
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will repost this

   been there done that for 18 years and it is true.

[JC5123]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.    One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy.  Several Dropped and rolled down toward the fence.  Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.  As he passed, he Thought he heard voices    from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you,  One for me...'  He just knew what it was.  He jumped back on his bike and rode off..  Just around the bend he met   an old man with a cane, hobbling along.  'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard!  Satan and the Lord are down at   the cemetery dividing up the souls!'  The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'  When the boy insisted though,   the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.  Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  One for you, One for me.'  The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling' me the truth.  Let's see if  we can see the Lord....?  Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything..    The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the  Fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.  At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me.  That's all..    Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...?  They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him!

[BAC]

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die the day after Congress gets its head
out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

[Big Frank]

Deaf  Sex

  Two deaf people get married and during the first week  of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in  the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each  other signing, or read lips.

  After several nights of fumbling  around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a  solution.


  She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we  agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you  want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over  and squeeze my right breast two times.


  The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes  back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach  over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to  have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty  times.

[kmitch200]

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.


The bartender asks,
"What can I get you, Mr. President?"