Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Works for me!

Richard

[MinotBob]

Cowboy Pick Up Line



A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman---

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of- the-art watch, and I was just testing it...'

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch?

'What's so special about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'

[tombogan03884]

Gee,  It's all so clear  now.............
  
 A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin and asked; 'How did the human race  start?'
Sarah Palin answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
    
Two days later the girl wrote to Michelle Obama and asked the same question.
Michelle Obama answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl went to her father and said, 'Dad, how is it possible that Sarah Palin told me the Human race was created by God,
And Michelle Obama said they evolved from monkeys.'
    
The father answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple, Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors and Michelle Obama told you about hers.'

Just so none of our "newer members" think I'm racist ,
Did you here about the Polish girl who quit using her vibrator because it chipped her tooth ?

[JC5123]

"I am NOT gonna donate sperm for money. What would I do if, in 18 years, the kid looked me up ? I'd have to tell him that he was beer money."

[Majer]

You peeple that thinck you can speel and prufreed are verry irrotating to those of us jeeniouses that can.

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

31. Don't never use no double negatives.

32. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

Good 'un, Maj!

[tombogan03884]

Damn, I think I've broken every single one of them.   

[tt11758]

This happened on a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit. Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck -- pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to Detroit; there are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[tt11758]

 
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
    When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is
a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor      says,
    "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."

    The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
    Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ....

[FSBARAK]

TULANE STUDY (VERY INTERESTING)


A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by Tulane's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is premenstrual, menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected