Classic joke thread...

[sledgemeister]

Deaf  Sex

  Two deaf people get married and during the first week  of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in  the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each  other signing, or read lips.

  After several nights of fumbling  around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a  solution.


  She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we  agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you  want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left  breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over  and squeeze my right breast two times.


  The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes  back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach  over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to  have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty  times.

roflmao!

[tt11758]

You know the honeymoon is over when the comedians start.
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree - and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
--Jay Leno

America needs Obama-care like
Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's'                    THIRD PRIZE (TIE)
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like
and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama
call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--Jay Leno
 
Q: What's the difference between                             FIRST PRIZE
Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with
tax evaders, blackmailers,
and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--David Letterman
 
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat
in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America !
--Jimmy Fallon
 
Q: What's the difference between                         SECOND PRIZE
Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--Jimmy Kimmel
 
Q: What was the most positive result of             THIRD PRIZE (TIE)
the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the
Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--David Letterman
 

[tt11758]

      A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once
in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
      Noticing this, a policeman stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

      "Really? Oh darn it," said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thank you, officer."

      "Hold on, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

      "Oh, no, no," said the little old lady. "You see, my backyard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. During games, a lot
of men come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my
flower garden. It used to really make me mad, 'cause it would kill
my flowers, you know.
      Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
      So now, whenever there's a game, I stand behind the fence real quiet
with my hedge clippers, and every time some guy sticks his thing
through my fence to relieve himself, I surprise him by grabbing hold
of it and saying, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes.' "

      "Well that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
      "OK, good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"




      "Well, you know," said the little old lady, "not everyone pays"

[Majer]

Translation from
CALIFORNIA.......................................TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons...........................Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands...............................Swamp

Undocumented Worker........................Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials..........................Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery..............................Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed.......................................Well-protected

Narrow-minded.....................................Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share.......................Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control...................Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives..................Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity...................Socialism

Multicultural Community...........................High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress......................Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich ".......................Self-Employed

Progressive, Change................................Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged.....................Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle................................................Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future.........................Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform......................................Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater..................Conservative

Truants........................................................Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed.....................................Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine................................Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot.............................................Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves.....................................Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee............................................Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich "..................................Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby................................................NRA Members

Assault Weapon..............................................Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus..................................................New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage..........................................Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting.......................Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs


Is that more clear now?

[tt11758]

Translation from
CALIFORNIA.......................................TEXAS

Arsenal of Weapons...........................Gun Collection

Delicate Wetlands...............................Swamp

Undocumented Worker........................Illegal Alien

Cruelty-Free Materials..........................Synthetic Fiber

Assault and Battery..............................Attitude Adjustment

Heavily Armed.......................................Well-protected

Narrow-minded.....................................Righteous

Taxes or Your Fair Share.......................Coerced Theft

Commonsense Gun Control...................Gun Confiscation Plot

Illegal Hazardous Explosives..................Fireworks for Stump Removal

Equal Access to Opportunity...................Socialism

Multicultural Community...........................High Crime Area

Fairness or Social Progress......................Marxism

Upper Class or "The Rich ".......................Self-Employed

Progressive, Change................................Big Government Scheme

Homeless or Disadvantaged.....................Bums or Welfare Leeches

Sniper Rifle................................................Scoped Deer Rifle

Investment For the Future.........................Higher Taxes

Healthcare Reform......................................Socialized Medicine

Extremist, Judgmental, or Hater..................Conservative

Truants........................................................Homeschoolers

Victim or Oppressed.....................................Criminal or Lazy Good-For-Nothing

High Capacity Magazine Assault Clip.............Standard Capacity Magazine

Religious Zealot.............................................Church-going

Reintroduced Wolves.....................................Sheep and Elk Killers

Fair Trade Coffee............................................Overpriced Yuppie Coffee

Exploiters or "The Rich "..................................Employed or Land Owner

The Gun Lobby................................................NRA Members

Assault Weapon..............................................Semi-Auto (Grandpa's M1 Carbine)

Fiscal Stimulus..................................................New Taxes and Higher Taxes

Same Sex Marriage..........................................Legalized Perversion

Mandated Eco-Friendly Lighting.......................Chinese Mercury-Laden Light Bulbs


Is that more clear now?

Fixed it for the sake of accuracy.

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

--------------------------------------------------------------

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'
Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'
Frank commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'
Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

-------------------------------------------------------------

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.'
'But I thought you hated George,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'
The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'
The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'
The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'
The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

[Solus]

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

--------------------------------------------------------------

I used to go to a grocery story and at the check out, the lady in front of me told the checker that she had forgotten to pick up an item.  The checker offered to run get it for her and the woman said ok.  When the checker got back, the woman had remembered another item she had forgotten and sent the checker after it.

When my turn came, I told the checker I thought it was wrong to leave everyone else stand longer in line because that woman goofed.  The checker told me it was store policy...

So after I was checked out, I went and had a strong word with the manager.  Told him the policy stunk and was unfair to other customers and if I encountered it again I'd just go straight to the line and hand the checker my shopping list.

He babbled a bit but didn't really say anything.

Next time I was at the store, I happened to get the same checker.  She was all smiles and asked if I heard the announcement when I entered the store, which I had not.  She said the manager called all the checkers over and told them if I was in their line not to run for items for anyone.

A few trips later I ended up in the 10 items or less line.  The woman in front of me had way over the limit.  When she had them on the counter I said.     I see you have more than the limit and pointed to the sigh.  Is the problem that you can't read or that you can't count.   The checker than told her she would have to put the extras back in the cart.

The "fast line" was right next to the manager's station and there was a courtesy checkout station there and from that day on, whenever I got at the end of the fast line, the manager waved me over to his checkout line.

sigh...here I was opposing special privileges and started getting them because of it. 

Another time I was in a long checkout line and has made my way to third in line.  A woman with a full cart who was not in line, pulls up next to me, nods to the space ahead of me and looks at me.  I smile and nod back.

She moved forward with me for the two spots in line and when it would have been time for her to squeeze in, I blocked her and said   Sorry, you have to get at the end of the line like everyone else.   She looked stunned, but went back...to the applause of those behind me.

[Bill Stryker]

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in
agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He
Said, “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiancé, Lena, is still a Virgin - in every vay.”
The doctor told him, “Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint
to let it heal & keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but
leave it on there as long as you can.”
He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4 sided
splint & taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her & they went
on their honeymoon to Duluth.
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal
her beautiful, untouched breasts.  She said, “Olaf... you're the
first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”
Olaf immediately dropped his pants & replied, “Look at dis Lena
...still in DA CRATE!”
 

[Hazcat]

LOL 

[TAB]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'