Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

The spoon:

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place', and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.

'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.'

I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%'.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

 

[cookie62]

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city

Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are, Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice....Real nice.

[MikeBjerum]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what I can remember about that f....k party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[PegLeg45]

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there!  From what I can remember about that f....k party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Thanks for giving me something to do this afternoon......pick pieces of orange soda-water-soaked sandwich out of my keyboard...

  

[MikeBjerum]

As many of you know, I am trying to lose some weight ... Ok, I told M'ette,but now the rest of you know.

I am trying something new.  I am no longer using the scale.  Once a week, when I get out of the shower I stand naked in front of the mirror.  I stomp my right foot as hard as I can on the floor, and then I time how long it takes everything to quit jiggling.

As of this week I am down to three days, ten hours, fourteen minutes and twenty-two seconds 

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

"Watch it wiggle, watch it jiggle." Jell-O 

[MikeBjerum]

The reloading thread reminded me of this ...  If I've posted it before, please forgive me because I can't remember what I had for breakfast today 

Great grandpa lived to be 110.  At his one hundredth birthday party some of us asked him what the secret to living so long and being health was.  He confided in us that when he was just a teenager an old geezer told him that the secret to health was to eat a little gunpowder everyday.  So everyday since great grandpa put a pinch of gunpowder on his morning cereal.

Well ... last week great grandpa died at the young age of 110.  Following his wishes we had his body cremated.  Today there is a fifty foot crater where the retort stood 

[MikeBjerum]

This is a true story and as funny as many jokes I've heard.

One Sunday morning the Pastor announced the birthday of John.  Since Sunday was actually his birthday, and on that day he had turned 105 (and he was sitting in his regular pew right up front) we all sang happy birthday.  The Pastor went on to tell how John had invited him over for cake and coffee on Friday to celebrate.  While sipping coffee the Pastor asked John "What is the best thing about turning 105?"  John looked at the ceiling for a moment, turned and looked the Pastor in the eye and replied "No Peer Pressure!"

[MikeBjerum]

A couple was sitting in a restaurant enjoying a quiet evening when the husband heard a man at the table behind him complain about trying to chew his steak.  When he inquired the man said his new dentures "just didn't fit well."  The gentleman reached in his pocket and produced a set of teeth and said "try these."  The man took a bite and replied "they're a little snug."  The gentleman reached in another pocket and offered "how about these?"  After a bite the man said "better, but a little loose."  The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced yet another set.  After the man had eaten half his steak the gentleman inquired as to how they worked.  The man grinned and said "GREAT!"  "By the way, are you a dentist?"  "No" replied the gentleman turning back to his food and wife "a funeral director."

[ellis4538]

More Blonde Jokes

FIRST DEGREE
>
> A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
> The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
> and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
> The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
> some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> SECOND DEGREE
>
> Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
> the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
> mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde
> says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
> The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> THIRD DEGREE
>
> A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
> so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment
> unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him
> in the arms of a redhead....
> Well, the blonde is really angry.
> She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,
> she is overcome with grief.
> She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
> The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
> The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-..,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> FOURTH DEGREE
>
> A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
> She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
> A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
> The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> FIFTH DEGREE
>
> What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
> 'Is it mine?'
>
> `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>
> SIXTH DEGREE
>
> Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
> ransacked and burglarised.
> She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
> The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
> patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
> As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
> the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
> cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
> Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
> all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
> They send me a BLIND policeman...'                       
>           
> `´*:-.,_,...-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`??*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
>