Classic joke thread...

[philw]

Farting problem.



A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in   your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
 



When I first read this I lauged out loud and was lucky I wasn't drinkling coffee

[ellis4538]

A man in the Safeway Store tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very
young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of
lettuce.. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll
ask his manager about it.



Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,  "Some ass hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned
to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman
has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal,
and the man went on his way.



Later the manager said to the
boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation
earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from,
son?" " Canada , sir," the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada ?"
the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey
players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada ."
"No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[tt11758]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.  She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.   

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[tt11758]

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON

 YOUR SHOULDER?"


 

 THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER

 CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

 "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.

"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."


 

 THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED

 CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,

 BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.


 

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

 THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD

 FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

 "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

 "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

 "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.

 "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",  WHISPERED MILDRED.

 "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE..

 "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

 "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT
 

 THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"

[Pathfinder]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..  I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

[Sponsor]

[True_Texan]

The  Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After  they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound  asleep.


Some hours later, Tonto wakes the  Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what  you see? '


'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions  of stars.'


'What that tell you?' asked  Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a  minute then says, 'Astronomically  speaking, it  tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially  billions  of planets.

Astrologically, it tells  me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise,  it  appears to be approximately a quarter past three  in the morning. 

Theologically, the  Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.   

Meteorologically, it  seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What's it  tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo sh!t. It means someone stole the tent.  '

[PegLeg45]

This just in...

After his election, the U.S. Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.
But there was a problem.
It seems that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $4.73 million in congressional hearings, a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

1.  The stamp is in perfect order.

2.  There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3.  People are spitting on the wrong side.

[PegLeg45]

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what did he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."




Don't you just love lawyers!??

[tumblebug]

r o f l m a o

[True_Texan]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that lights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it an d says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?