Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life?

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
 
She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate.
 
He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.
The sex was good but all the dove would say is, 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
 
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........
'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate.
 
This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.
 
This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....

 (scroll down)


 

 

 

 


NO, The duck didn't say THAT!... Don't be SO disgusting!

The duck said....

 

 


'I am a DRAKE, You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

[PegLeg45]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioned in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly  after  landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
 
Two lessons here:
 
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think

[philw]

Threat Levels


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance."   The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
 
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
 
And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".  In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level

[Hazcat]

Peg,

The only problem with this is that the UK and Western Europe have already surrendered.

[PegLeg45]

Peg, Phil

The only problem with this is that the UK and Western Europe have already surrendered.

There, fixed it for ya old sport.         













 

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

There, fixed it for ya old sport.         













 

DOH!

[Pathfinder]

There, fixed it for ya old sport.         
 

Hazaritas, I think. He even called me Tab yesterday, but I let it pass.

[tombogan03884]

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful  Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

That one isn't valid because the only ones they've lost to in the last 150 years are Russia 1 for 2  and us 2 for 2 France on the other hand has lost to everyone they have fought, including Mexico, England has consistently gotten  bored and gone home from everywhere except the Falklands and Northern Ireland, The Spanish have at least beaten some North African tribesman, which puts them ahead of the French

[philw]

Wisdom from Military Manuals,
 
Not all jokes but nevertheless funny !
A few here I reckon the pilots among you will enjoy !

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-  Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
 ---------------------------------------------------
"Aim towards the Enemy" 
 - Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
 ---------------------------------------------------
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our  friend." -
 
 - U.S. Marine Corps
 ---------------------------------------------------
 "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."
 - USAF Ammo Troop
 ---------------------------------------------------
"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
  - Infantry Journal
 ---------------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed"
 -  U.S. Air Force Manual
  ---------------------------------------------------
 "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

 - General MacArthur
 ---------------------------------------------------
"Try  to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
        -  Infantry Journal
 ---------------------------------------------------
 "You, you, and you.  Panic. The rest of you come with me." -
  - U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt.   (Mgysgt5)
 ----------------------------------------------------
 "Tracers work both ways."

 -  U.S. Army Ordnance
 ----------------------------------------------------
 "Five second fuses only last three seconds"

 -  Infantry Journal
 ----------------------------------------------------
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do
anything..."
 -  U.S. Navy Swabbie
 ----------------------------------------------------
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -

        -  David Hackworth
 -----------------------------------------------------
 "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."

        -  Infantry Journal
 -----------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
 
        -  Joe Gay
 ------------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper.  Once."
 
       -   unknown
 ------------------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
         
 -  Unknown Marine Recruit
 -------------------------------------------------------

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
  -------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him and try to keep up."
 
        -  USAF Ammo Troop
 -------------------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
         
 -  Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
 -------------------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 Bluewater Navy truism:  There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
 
 -  From an old carrier  sailor
  ------------------------------------------------------
 "If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter --
 and therefore, unsafe."
 -------------------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left
 to get you to the scene of the crash."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Without munitions, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the
 pilot dies; If ATC screws up....The pilot dies."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Never trade luck for skill."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why
 is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
  ------------------------------------------------------
 "Weather  forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight
 successfully."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we've never left one up there!"
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead
 batteries."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your flight to a person on the
 ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
 --------------------------------------------------------
 "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
 
 -  Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test  pilot)
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
  -  Jon McBride, astronaut
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as
 possible."
 
 -  Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
  --------------------------------------------------------
 "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
 -------------------------------------------------------
 "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
 
        -  Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ,  1970
 ---------------------------------------------------------
 "If  something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
 --------------------------------------------------------
 Basic Flying Rules:
 "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges
 of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees
 and interstellar space.  It is much more difficult to fly there."
  -------------------------------------------------------
 "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes
  full power to taxi to the terminal."
  --------------------------------------------------------------
 As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?". The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
--------------------------------------------------------------

 When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
   --------------------------------------------------------------

[bjc1369]

I once say a series of repair/accident reports and they were presented as true:

Pilot - left wheel almost flat
Ground crew - left wheel almost repaired

Almost all aircraft crashes are caused by flying too low to the ground.

There were more, but since I have an advanced case of CRS, this is all I can remember.