Classic joke thread...

[1Buckshot]

The party waiting behind her was a group from the White House that included Obama.




Obama quickly stepped forward and helped her to her feet.



She thanked him and started to leave, when he said, "I'm President Obama and I hope you'll vote for me this November."


 
She laughed and quickly said, "I fell on my ass, not my head!"

[RTFM]

[Majer]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best chick, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson .

And you, Tanya?.

" I wanna be Johnny's chick!"

 

[santahog]

American Flag Nearly Dies After Inhaling Fumes Of Burning Protesters

Dateline, KABUL, AFGHANISTAN - An American Flag bought online for an Anti-U.S. protest nearly died of smoke inhalation yesterday from the fumes of burning protesters who in an attempt to light the flag on fire, instead negligently set themselves ablaze.

The flag, who goes by the name of Serial Number: 01023492, claims that all he remembers was being taken out of his box by a number of apparently disgruntled Middle Eastern men, which he identified instantly by their anti-American chants and misspelled signs.

“At first I thought I was at an Occupy Wall St. protest, and that things were probably going to be alright when I saw signs that read, ‘Don’t Disgrace our Profits’, but then I realized it was a group of pissed off Taliban protesters when I read another that read, ‘I’m here to kill Americans [Shoot Me].’”

The scene became quite dire for Flag 01023492 when the Taliban members tried to light him on fire with a Bic lighter. Due to his Nylon composition, ignition was difficult to achieve, and out of frustration the flag was thrown to the ground.

“Another flag was taken out of its box, and when they began pulling cans of stolen JP8 out of the beds of their Bongo trucks I knew he was done for. They started dousing him in fuel, which I noticed was being carelessly thrown all over the place, including themselves. Additionally one of the members forgot to put the cap on the container allowing for fuel vapor to disperse over the area. The flag was then hoisted up on a stick, and I couldn’t watch any more of the cowardly acts.”

Flag 01023492 went on to claim that the Taliban began playing the knock off of a Blue Oyster Cult song titled, “Taliburnin’ for You” over the loud speakers usually designated for daily prayers. It was then that all hell broke loose when the guy with the lighter tripped over one of the command detonation wires they were intending on using later, and lit himself on fire. Of course with no knowledge of Stop, Drop, and Roll he began to run around at random.

Everyone tried to get out of his way, but he ran into a fellow protestor and instantly lit his fuel-soaked man dress in the process.

“Eventually the vapors lit and the can blew, and before I it knew they were all a pile of burning falafel kabobs. I immediately began having difficulty breathing because of the all the smoke from the burning remains, but soon a patrol of American troops came along and rescued me.”

“He was in dire straits,” stated Combat Medic SGT Roman Polowski, “I really didn’t know if he was going to make it. I immediately began to perform interventions consisting of irrigating his stars and stripes with Saline, and drying him off with oxygen using a non-rebreather mask.”

Upon arriving back in the United States he was admitted to Walter Reed Army Medical Center for further rehabilitation.

“We expect him to make a full return to duty, but aren’t pushing him too hard. As of right now he is assigned to half staff duty which has unfortunately been occurring at a much higher rate lately. It won’t be too long before Flag 01023492 will be flying proudly at full staff.” stated Dr. Shannon Ross, a distant granddaughter of Betsy Ross.

Flag 01023492 is being meritoriously promoted to honor flag, and is set to return to full duty soon at the Pentagon. There are also rumors that he may even be awarded a medal for “bravery under fire and for the termination of multiple Taliban fighters.”

[sledgemeister]

1. If you grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. If you find this offensive or racist and won't forward it.
You probably are a Muslim

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

Here is a joke to watch.   Requires a very elaborate setup too.   No belly laughs, but I am really impressed with the effect.

There is no mirror.  Just pane of glass, a duplicate room and an identical twin.  

[red364]

How Boys Think

There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a
 flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill
 repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw
 the
 little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with
 one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I
 do." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,
 she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of
 the
 girls have any diseases?" Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy
 replied, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
 making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!" Since the little boy
 was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to
 go
 to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the
 squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still
 dragging
 the frog, paid the Madam and headed out the door. The Madam stopped
 him
 and asked, "why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease
 instead of one of the others?" "He said, "Well, if you must know,
 tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to
 eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my
 babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very
 fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When
 Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way,
  he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets
 home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and
 Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman
 will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease
 and
 HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
>
>

[tt11758]

That sign was posted at a t-shirt company in Des Moines for Barry Sotero's last campaign visit Monday.  The Secret Service told residents and businesses in the "safe zone" around the rally site that their properties would be searched.  This company politely told the Secret Service to pound sand.

[ellis4538]

 
Thought for the day.....
 
"Imagine how much self control people who help make "Bubble Wrap" must have! 

[TAB]

I am pretty sure the boss just duct tapes thier hands shut before they can enter the building