Classic joke thread...

[philw]

How to rescue the economy:

Dear President Obama,

Patriotic retirement:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;

pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:

1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.

All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

[PegLeg45]

            40,000,000
          x  1,000,000
-----------------------
40,000,000,000,000.......or 40 Trillion dollars.


That's a lot of shekels.

[Majer]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.

So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.

Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

[tombogan03884]

            40,000,000
          x  1,000,000
-----------------------
40,000,000,000,000.......or 40 Trillion dollars.


That's a lot of shekels.

But if you tax it at 50% the national debt is  paid off as well .

[tombogan03884]

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit
her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead
of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my
mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that
as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!”

[Sponsor]

[crusader rabbit]

Four brothers left home for college, and after graduation they became successful doctors
and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together.

They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother who had moved to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it.
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
 
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. That chicken was delicious. Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

[Majer]

Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on the porch rocking...
when all in a flash, Grandma smacked Grandpa upside the head, knocking him off the porch!
He looked around and asked Grandma.. "What the heck was that for!?".
She shakes her finger at him and said...
"That's for having a short penis!".
Well, Grandpa dusted himself of, returned to his rocking chair...
after a few minutes he turned and smacked Grandma upside the head, knocking her off the porch.
She turned and asked Grandpa... "Now what the heck was that for!?".

Grandpa shakes his finger at her and said... "That's for knowing the difference!!".

[Solus]

the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise."

[Majer]

obama rated 5th best president ever
Of the total of 44 US Presidents:  Obama rated 5th best president ever.  I was just reading a Democratic publicity release that said, "...after a little more than 4 years, Obama has been rated the 5th best president ever!!"
The details...
1. Reagan, Lincoln, and 8 others tied for first
2. 15 presidents tied for second
3. 17 other presidents tied for third
4. Jimmy Carter came in 4th
5. Obama fifth

[jaybet]

Borrowed!