Classic joke thread...

[philw]

hahahaha

[Big Frank]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.


He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.


The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.


'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub



Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.


That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked.


Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs,
in the corridor, everywhere he looks, Dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her,
right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified
when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her
every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear.
But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the f**kin dishes!!

[santahog]

the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: “If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied,
“I am on the commode. Please advise."

Sent this one to the wife.. Awaiting a response..

[kmitch200]

At President Bush's Library dedication....

[tombogan03884]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington - Nothing was moving.  Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

 "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington - Nothing was moving.  Suddenly a man knocked on the window. The driver rolled down the window and asked, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire U.S. Congress, and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they're going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, collecting donations."

 "How much is everyone giving, on an average?" the driver asked.

The man replied, "Roughly a gallon."

[1911 Junkie]

I think I've heard that one before. 

[PegLeg45]

I think I've heard that one before.  

Hey, stop me if you've heard this one:

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington...........





 

[sledgemeister]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

 She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get the fxxk off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get the fxxk on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

 The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house.

 Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.

 When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

 Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

 Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, 'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.

 We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

 She hears the little boy continue, 'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.

 We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

 As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

 'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen.'

[sledgemeister]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'