Classic joke thread...

[robert69]

Ah yes, Texas jokes, told to me by a Texan. (2)
The only thing that slows the wind in Texas is a barbed wire fence.

Did you hear about the Texan who was so big that when he died they could not find a coffin big enough to bury him in?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a match box.
Told to me by a Texan.

[ellis4538]

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
 
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
 
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

(You'll love this)
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God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[Majer]

Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm a while back claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife.

 

This brings up two questions:

 

Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on a Bush?

[philw]

Upon hearing Michael Douglas got throat cancer after engaging in oral sex, Angelina Jolie has now had her pussy surgically removed.



After Michael Douglas claimed his throat cancer was caused by oral sex, millions of shocked men are asking the same question.

Just how big is Catherine Zeta Jones's clitoris?




My wife was reading about Michael Douglas contracting throat cancer from performing oral sex on his wife.
"I suppose you think you're lucky there's no chance of you catching that," she said sarcastically.
"I suppose you think you're lucky the dog can't read," I replied.

[Steve Cover]

The Tattoo

Yesterday while my wife was shopping at our local Wall Mart, I ran across a young guy with a tattoo on his forehead.
Being a bit intrigued, I started up a conversation with him.
It seems that He is quite a music fan and decided to have the name of his favorite group tattooed across his forehead.
Unfortunately, neither the tattoo artist, nor his friends seemed to know that there are two "O"s in Maroon.
I didn't have the heart to tell him either.

Best to all.

Steve

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Solus]

Hilarious. Should be titled Court Jester.

But in fairness to some of the lawyers, sometimes they have to ask what appears to be a stupid question to get facts into evidence.

Like where the attorney asks if any were girls.  If that had to be established, a witness had to say it.  And the attorney could not say,   "So 3 were girls?" after learning none of them were boys because he would have been leading the witness.

 

[Big Frank]

Last night a man in his 70's lucked out and was able to buy several boxes of AR-15, 5.56 NATO round ammo at the sporting goods store.
 
On the way home he stopped at the 7-Eleven gas station where this drop-dead gorgeous young blonde was filling up her car at the pump next to his. She glanced at the ammo boxes in the back of his Jeep and said in a very seductive voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old timer.  Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

The old guy thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

[Big Frank]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a check. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"
 
Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
 
Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.
I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"
 
Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
 
Obama:
Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
 
Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check."
 
Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
 
Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"
 
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue.
 
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
 

[sledgemeister]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

“Oh my GOD!” screamed the woman. “That’s disgraceful! Why is he doing that?”

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

“I’m very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn’t do that at least five times a day, he’ll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.”

“Oh, well in that case, I guess it’s okay,” said the woman…

As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, “Oh my GOD!  How can THAT be justified?”

Again the doctor spoke very calmly:

“Same illness, better health fund"