Classic joke thread...

[gunman42782]

Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For gosh sake, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[Bic]

"The Inland Revenue decide to audit Cyril, summon him to their office for an appointment with their most thorough auditor, who is not surprised when Cyril arrives with his solicitor. The auditor says: 'Sir, you cannot deny that you have an extravagant lifestyle, no full-time employment, and pay no taxes on the grounds of your contention that you win money gambling. I have to tell you that Her Majesty's Customs and Excise finds that explanation difficult to believe.'

"'I am a great gambler and can prove it,' says Cyril. 'Would you like a demonstration?'

"The auditor considers this for a moment and agrees. Cyril says: 'I bet you a thousand pounds I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks for a while, finally says: 'It's a bet.'

"Cyril removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor looks sick.

"'I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye,' says Cyril. The auditor can tell Cyril isn't blind, so he accepts the bet. Cyril removes his false teeth and bites the good eye.

"The stunned auditor now realises he has bet and lost £3,000, with Cyril's solicitor as a witness; he gets very nervous. 'Double or nothing?' Cyril says. 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on the righthand side of your desk and piss into the bin on the far side without getting one drop anywhere between.'

"The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now but examines the proposal carefully. Cyril is not a tall man, the desk is eight foot wide; he decides there is simply no way Cyril could do that, so he agrees again.

"Cyril stands at the side of the desk, unzips his trousers, strains for all he is worth but cannot make the stream reach the bin on the far side, and finishes up having urinated pretty well all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a sizeable win, then notices that Cyril's solicitor is moaning, with his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' asks the auditor.

"'Not really,' says the solicitor. 'This morning, when Cyril told me he had been summoned to this audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it . . . and I took the bet.'"


http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/tvan ... lines.html

[Big Frank]

BEST BARTENDER JOKE EVER
 
 
A lawyer, an Illegal Alien, a Pathological   Liar, a Muslim, a Communist, and a Black Guy walk into a BAR.
 
Bartender says;
 
 
 
 

"What'll it be, Mr. President?"

[Majer]

24 WAYS TO ANNOY A BLUENECK (POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM FOR YANKEE)…

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words as if they had two syllables.

3. When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses them no end!


4. Talk REAL slow, and (even when you hear them the first time) always
ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a "Coke."

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie, John Michael, Jim Bob, etc. . . .)


11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
interject that "there was nothing civil about it."

12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".

13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".

14. Put Tabasco on everything.


15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New
York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",
say "Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies . . . preferably the banana ones.

17. Name all of your children "Bubba".

18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.


19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut off" lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
Always remember (especially in Texas) it's not a "pond", it's a "tank."

20. Never simply "do" something. Always be "fixin' to do" something.

21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations . . . Offends the devil out of 'em.


23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go
down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used
to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway,
turn right there . . . " "You said left." "Did I? Well, turn left there
and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when
that fish used to be on the other side of town . . . "

24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

[crusader rabbit]

Only a damn Yankee would think Tabasco is actually hot sauce. 

A Southerner wouldn't use the stuff. 

We use Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce.

And it ain't pah-kahn.  It's puh-KAHN.  And a pee-can is an emergency toilet when yer on a long drive.

Sheesh...  damn Yankees.

Crusader Rabbit (American by birth;  Southern by the Grace of God)

[Sponsor]

[fatbaldguy]

Well, I reckon I might could do what all was wrote up, but I'm commencin' to get ready to fetch up after work, and eat supper.

[tombogan03884]

"Pah-kahn" is what we  do in the cah.

[sledgemeister]

Only a damn Yankee would think Tabasco is actually hot sauce. 

A Southerner wouldn't use the stuff. 

We use Crystal or Louisiana Hot Sauce.

And it ain't pah-kahn.  It's puh-KAHN.  And a pee-can is an emergency toilet when yer on a long drive.

Sheesh...  damn Yankees.

Crusader Rabbit (American by birth;  Southern by the Grace of God)

Your Southern?

Youu reckon your south? pffft your still north of the equator, when you get any where near 42 deg south come see me. 

[crusader rabbit]

Your Southern?

Youu reckon your south? pffft your still north of the equator, when you get any where near 42 deg south come see me. 

Been there. Sidney, Port Adelaide, Perth/Freemantle.  Never made it to Alice Springs though I wanted to.

Really enjoyed yer cold beer and hot women. 

Yer Queenslanders are the closest bunch you have to American Southerners--and they are from the north. LOL

Crusader Rabbit

[sledgemeister]

Been there. Sidney, Port Adelaide, Perth/Freemantle.  Never made it to Alice Springs though I wanted to.

Really enjoyed yer cold beer and hot women. 

Yer Queenslanders are the closest bunch you have to American Southerners--and they are from the north. LOL

Crusader Rabbit

Well if your a bloke in Sydney your either married or gay, bit like San Francisco except no one speaky engrish no more.

Port Adelaide they have webbed feet, like Philw, because of all the sand they are basically desert dwellers and have developed a means as not to sink into the sand, may think its just a throw back to their marrying cousins but its an adaption.

Perth is much like Adelaide except has a higher concentration of people with dark complexions, you can usually find them running through the streets with small cans of paint, plastic bags of glue or siphoning petrol (gasoline)  from peoples cars if they arent trying to steal them. Usual greeting usually starts and ends in "bruv" or "hey you white c#nt" classic sophisticated race of creatures.

Now Queenslanders are a breed unto themselves, they have the thought that Queensland is a place god set aside and declared it was the best place ever, fortunately most don't have the intelligence to work out that god was really screwing with them, by placing there 3 of the top ten deadliest snakes, 20ft long saltwater crocs and surrounding their coastline with the largest boat wrecking coral reef in the world, despite this they continue to thrive and spread?

Of course they are all still northern states, where I am from is below all that, in a little place called Tasmania. We are so south that vittles get homesick, marrying your first cousin is seen as a long distance relationship and suits only come in bib and brace or action back.