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Author Topic: Classic joke thread...  (Read 1369245 times)

PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1060 on: November 10, 2008, 01:33:05 PM »
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. 
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. 
Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
 Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' 
Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'



Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1061 on: November 11, 2008, 09:21:56 PM »

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,  'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'The y're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his poc kets and  finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The man replied, 'These are Carols.' ;D ;D :D

And So The Christmas Season
Begins.....
  :) ;)
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PegLeg45

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1062 on: November 12, 2008, 01:26:22 PM »
Our educational system at work:



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"I expect perdition, I always have. I keep this building at my back, and several guns handy, in case perdition arrives in a form that's susceptible to bullets. I expect it will come in the disease form, though. I'm susceptible to diseases, and you can't shoot a damned disease." ~ Judge Roy Bean, Streets of Laredo

For the Patriots of this country, the Constitution is second only to the Bible for most. For those who love this country, but do not share my personal beliefs, it is their Bible. To them nothing comes before the Constitution of these United States of America. For this we are all labeled potential terrorists. ~ Dean Garrison

"When it comes to the enemy, just because they ain't pullin' a trigger, doesn't mean they ain't totin' ammo for those that are."~PegLeg

Bill Stryker

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1063 on: November 12, 2008, 03:58:44 PM »
 
Losing all your friends:
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

Brother wanted :
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,' send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

Meaning of WIFE :
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

Confident vs. Confidential: 
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! ' 


Anger Management? :
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' 
Husband: 'How does that help?' 
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush '


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Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1064 on: November 13, 2008, 12:46:05 AM »
Couple's therapy.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman instantly shut up and quietly sat down as though she was in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week... Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied,... "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."
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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1065 on: Today at 04:57:10 PM »
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Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1065 on: November 13, 2008, 12:47:05 AM »
A potential problem with our money.  ;D
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

Big Frank

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1066 on: November 13, 2008, 07:33:38 PM »
Can't Get It Up!


Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do," said the doctor.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Please take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," requested the doctor.

The woman obliged.

"Now, turn all the way around... Lie down please... Uh-huh, I see... Okay, you can put your clothes back on now."

The doctor took the husband aside and explained, "You're in perfect health, mister. Your wife didn't give me an woody either." 
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""It may be laid down as a primary position, and the basis of our system, that every Citizen who enjoys the protection of a free Government, owes not only a proportion of his property, but even his personal services to the defence of it, and consequently that the Citizens of America (with a few legal and official exceptions) from 18 to 50 Years of Age should be borne on the Militia Rolls, provided with uniform Arms, and so far accustomed to the use of them, that the Total strength of the Country might be called forth at a Short Notice on any very interesting Emergency." - George Washington. Letter to Alexander Hamilton, Friday, May 02, 1783

THE RIGHT TO BUY WEAPONS IS THE RIGHT TO BE FREE - A. E. van Vogt, The Weapon Shops of Isher

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1067 on: November 13, 2008, 07:57:38 PM »
Jumbo,

That joke could get me hurt  ;)
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If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

MikeBjerum

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1068 on: November 13, 2008, 07:59:34 PM »
I heard that Marshal and M'ette were in KC shopping last Friday ...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young lady at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'


 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000,' the jeweler said.


 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'


 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.


 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'


 

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

 

All Seniors Aren't Senile

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If I appear taller than other men it is because I am standing on the shoulders of others.

Teresa Heilevang

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Re: Classic joke thread...
« Reply #1069 on: November 13, 2008, 09:08:25 PM »
( hee hee hee)
I wouldn't tremble over diamonds.. but if we were in a gun store.........................?

Ohhhh yeahhhh baby!~


 ;)
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