Classic joke thread...

[Solus]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked hisdrive into the woods. Looking for his ball,
he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
... 'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked. 'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything,
I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'
A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,
how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.
How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[tombogan03884]

Walter
   
Obama goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.
 
"And what is your question, Walter?"

"I have 4 questions:

First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to?"
 
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"
 
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have 6 questions.
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress? Second, why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually worse? Third, why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching's and beliefs? Fourth, why are we so worried about Brazil drilling for oil, but we aren't allowed to? Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And sixth, what the hell happened to Walter ?"
 

[lhprop1]

President Obama and Prime Minister David Cameron are sitting in a bar. 
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Cameron sitting over there?
"The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour!
What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says, "We're planning WW III."
 
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?  Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"

Obama turns to Brown and says, "See, I told you. 

No one cares about the 140 million Muslims!"

[PegLeg45]

A Liberal, Moderate and Conservative walk into a bar........................

Bartender says, "What can I get you, Mitt?"

[gunman42782]

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak; but, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and preparing to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

[Sponsor]

[santahog]

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:

"You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

I stole this and posted it on FB. In a few hours it's gone from KY to OK. Don't be surprised if you see it floating around this week.. (and thank you...)

[gunman42782]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

[tt11758]

The Air Force found they had too many  officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any  officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch  measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The  officer got to choose what those two points would  be.

The first  officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to  the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a  bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little  smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to  his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a  grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured  replied,
 'From  the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might  want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two  Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go  along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical  Officer.

The  Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he  did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's  weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly  exclaimed,
 ''Where  are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam   ''.

[tombogan03884]

  I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few. I noticed two large women by the bar.

 

 They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey are you two ladies from Scotland?"

 

 One of them chirped: "It's Wales you friggin ' idiot!"

 

 So I immediately apologized and said...,

 

"Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?". . . .

 

 Then the lights went out...............

[tt11758]

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with keeping us safe.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me .

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice