Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

Wish I could figure out how to make that a "Blonde" joke!

Richard

[tt11758]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. 
Barbara Moore stood and walked to the podium.  She said, "I have a praise.  Two months ago, my husband, Dave, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Dave must have experienced. 
"Dave was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Dave's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Dave. 
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Dave is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Dave Moore." The entire congregation held its breath.  "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[red364]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. 
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the 
hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen
"Hello?"


"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 asked the woman on the other end.
"Yes."


The woman continues, "I am at the shops now and found this 
beautiful leather coat. It's a little pricey at $2,000 
but I really love it. Is it okay if I buy it?"


The man replies, "Two thousand seems like a lot for a leather 
coat but, sure, go ahead and get if you like it that much."


"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership 
and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked," said the woman.


"How much is the car?"


"$90,000,” said the woman.


"A Lexus for $90,000?” said the man. “OK, but for that price 
I want it with every possible option."
"Great!” exclaimed the woman. “Oh, and one more thing... the house 
I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000."


"Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. 
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80 thousand 
if it's really a pretty good deal."


"Okay,” said the woman. “I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
"Bye! I love you, too."


The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at 
him in astonishment, mouths agape. He turns and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[Ichiban]

"I told Weiner, he just went too far, he's going to have to resign . . . What do you mean, 'Am I serious?'"

- Bill Clinton

[Steve Cover]

Terrorists Are Like Salmon
Life Is Good
Until The Seals Arrive

[Sponsor]

[sledgemeister]

The Muslims aren't happy!

They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
 
And where are they happy?

They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
 
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.

[Bill Stryker]

 

 Polish Sausage

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am.  But let me ask you
something.

"If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did
you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot!"

[JC5123]

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[Ichiban]

On that note.....

[tombogan03884]

Obama says he will be making no more public
speeches in the State of Mississippi .
He claims every time he gets up on stage to
make a speech, some Mississippi cotton farmer
starts bidding on him.