Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Hope some of these are new to y'all:

















Lastly:

How about "Annoy a Liberal......Work Hard & Be Happy!"

[ellis4538]

A guy
orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it
down the bar. It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes
all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug
and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy
calls for another beer this happens. So after his third
beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time
the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to
lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on
the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the
bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a
licker license!'

[blackwolfe]

Haven't kept up with the joke thread, so I don't know if this has been posted before.  I stole it from another forum.
The 11th Husband

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married
ten times.?'

'Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with
me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked
out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in telemarketing;even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer,he understood the basic process but he
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of
the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........
God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'...
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED for sure.'
__________________

[Bill Stryker]

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM                                                                           
                                                                                             
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.                                                   
                                                                                             
The nurse starts with certain basics.                                                       
                                                                                             
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.                                             
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.                               
                                                                                             
The nurse asks, 'Your height?' '5 foot 4,' I say.                                           
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2'.                                         
                                                                                             
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.                               
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and                         
slender! Now I'm short and fat!'                                                             
                                                                                             
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.           

 

[ellis4538]

GOTTA LOVE THIS GUY!!!!!!!


Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty
dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you
can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a
penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

News Flash:

The US Navy has stated that the Navy seals could have acted faster and rescued the captain of the Maersk Alabama last week, but had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the pirates were related to Obama.


Also. now available....new Somali Pirate hats.......

[Bill Stryker]

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie
 and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night
 of tall tales...
 
Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy
 there is.
 Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men
 before I wrestled  it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and
 castrated that sucker with my teeth.'
 
Ben from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested..
 That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a
 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move
 for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head,
 and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.
 
Old Jerry, the cowboy from Texas remained silent,
 slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

[philw]

News Flash:

The US Navy has stated that the Navy seals could have acted faster and rescued the captain of the Maersk Alabama last week, but had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the pirates were related to Obama.


Also. now available....new Somali Pirate hats.......

 
 
I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan ) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).  The cost is a bit high @ US$800 per  day per person double occupancy.
What I found enticing is that the cruise company is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per person double occupancy (4 days).
All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package.
$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)
M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95
Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95
Barrett M-107 50 cal sniper riffle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95
Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads
"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
Meals are not included but seem reasonable.
Most cruises offer a mini-bar... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this.....
"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"
Sign my ass up!
They advertise group rates and corporate discounts.......and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"
They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied....here's some text from the ad.
"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund back half your money including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included).. How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia . If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia .  At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before April 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice.."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials
"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"---- Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12 yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English"
----Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their shitty aim--reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam "
----"chopper' Dan, Toledo USA .
"Like ducks in a barrel. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks--what a riot!! This is a must do.
 

[PegLeg45]

The most powerful politician in the world is Black. 
 
The head of the Republican National Committee is Black.

The best known media mogul on earth is Black.

The greatest golfer in the world is Black.

The top female tennis players in the world are Black.

The highest grossing actor worldwide is Black.

The brightest Astrophysicist under the sun is Black.

The Superbowl-winning Head Coach is Black.

The most successful brain surgeon in the world is Black.

The fastest human (in the 100 meters) on the planet is Black.....................................................


Michael Jackson must really be kicking himself in the ass right about now.   

[PegLeg45]

Wisdom Of A Retired Engineer:

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well.....I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Bourbon, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.