Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

BOOOOOOOO, HISSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

[brosometal]

OK, the railroad joke really stirred up a hornet's nest.  Try this one.

Three Aggies were invited to a Christmas costume party.  Each guest was to dress in a Christmas-oriented theme.  All three came in wearing long asbestos coats with yellow striping along the bottom and sides, upside down oxygen bottles on their backs hooked to full-face breathing masks.  Each had a big red fireman's helmet, big rubber boots, and an axe.

The host of the party looked at them and went crazy.  "What are you guys doing?  This is a Christmas costume party.  You're supposed to be dressed in a Christmas theme costume.  You guys really blew it this time."

One of the Aggies said: "We are dressed as Christmas characters.  We'er the 3 Wise Men."

The host replied: "What?  You're dressed as firemen.  How can that be a Christmas theme?"

The Aggie said: "You really ought to read the Bible a bit closer.  It says right there in the Good Book that the 3 Wise Men came from a far."

Things like this should come with warning about drinking liquids before finishing the post.  My nasal passages will thank you.

Too funny

[deepwater]

 NO SEX SINCE 1955         
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?'

'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'

'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had Sex?'

' 1955, ma'am.'

'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no Sex since 1955!' She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,  'I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

[Teresa Heilevang]

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...


Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks & nbsp;   into the room. 

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. 

 
And most of all...............
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[Majer]

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give
You $100 if you let me have sex with you.'

The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend  down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation.  Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast.  He won't even be able to get his pants down.'  She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened?'

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,
 
'HE HAD ALL QUARTERS!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[Sponsor]

[Big Frank]

Just in case anyone hasn't seen this yet: I'm voting for B. Hussein Obama. Here's why.

I'm voting Democrat because English has no place being the official
language in America.

I'm voting Democrat because it's better to turn corn into fuel than it is to
eat.

I'm voting Democrat because I'd rather pay $4 for a gallon of gas than allow
drilling for oil off the coasts of America.

I'm voting Democrat because I think the government will do a better job of
spending my money than I could.

I'm voting Democrat because when we pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq, I
know the Islamic terrorists will stop trying to kill us because they'll
think we're a good and decent country.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe people who can't tell us if it will
rain in two or three days, can now tell us the polar ice caps will disappear
in ten years if I don't start riding a bicycle, build a windmill, or inflate
my tires to proper levels.

I'm voting Democrat because it's alright to kill millions of babies as
long as we keep violent, convicted murderers on death row alive.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe businesses in America should not be
allowed to make profits. Businesses should just break even and give the rest
to the government so politicians and bureaucrats can redistribute the money
the way they think it should be redistributed.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe guns, and not the people misusing
them, are the cause of crimes and killings.

I'm voting Democrat because when someone with a weapon threatens my family
or me, I know the government can respond faster through a call to 911 than I
can with a gun in my hand.

I'm voting Democrat because oil companies' 5% profit on a gallon of gas are
obscene, but government taxes of 18% on the same gallon of gas are just
fine.

I'm voting Democrat because I believe three or four elitist liberals should
rewrite the Constitution every few months to suit some fringe element that
could never get their agenda past voters.

I'm voting Democrat because illegal aliens are not criminals, are not
sucking up resources through government aid, hospital services, education,
or social services, but are just people trying to make a better life by
coming to America illegally. We can't blame them for that, can we?

I'm voting Democrat because now I can now marry whatever I want, so I've
decided to marry my horse.

Makes ya wonder why anyone would ever vote Republican, doesn't it?

[bjc1369]

It's bad luck to be superstitious!

[m25operator]

Good one JF, just wish it was funny, too afraid, it might come to pass.

[TAB]

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed
reading when the wife looks
over at him and asks THE question.

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don' t you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use m y clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence ..................
......
HUSBAND: " Shit."

[Big Frank]

   Oops!!!