Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

When Osama Bin Laden was killed, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama Bin Laden with a long cane and snarled "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

Osama Bin Laden lay bleeding and in pain when an Angel appeared. Osama Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[tt11758]

Employee Notice

        Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in
the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put
workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory
retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

        This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

        Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be
considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced
Termination).

        Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the
SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

        A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many
times as Congress deems appropriate.

        Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for
Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired
Personnel Early Severance).

        Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or
SCREWED any further by Congress.

        Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much
SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  Members of
Congress have always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they
give our citizens.

        Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring
this to the attention of your Congressional representative, who
has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

        Sincerely,

        Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

        P.S. Due to current debt, recent overspending, proposed budget
cuts, and the rising price of gas, oil, and electricity, as well
as dismal market forecasts, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has
been turned off.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what did he do?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He
eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the
stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again 
sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your
monkey did now?"

No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Badgersmilk]

At the Mustang show last night:



First thing I thought of is "The Bufford Pusser Special"!   

[philw]

Subject: Coffee and Testicles... (dc)

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my
testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points
for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am
every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00
pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No
point in you coming in for that."

[MikeBjerum]

Fitting that in his return after going AWOL, phil would chose the joke thread to be found on 

[Sponsor]

[BAC]

A 911 operator received a call from a duck hunter. It seemed his hunting companion died from a heart attack. The operator said, "Sir, we can handle this. First, make sure he is dead." The operator then heard a gunshot and the man on the line said, "Ok, he's definitely dead. Now what?"

[crusader rabbit]

Two bats are hanging out together on the roof of a cave.

The first bat says, "You know what I fear most about growing old?"

"No, buddy.  What's your big fear?" asks the second bat.

"Incontinence," he replies.

[tt11758]

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street ."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?"
The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and
said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street , that's O-A-K."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Norwegian hunters from North Dakota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
----------------------------------------------------------------
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo ?"
"Yust a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell," said Lena , "if it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll yust take da bus."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged nonsupport. He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400
a month for support." "Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars, the bartender, asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Norwegian and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," answered Ole. "A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, "Vell, Deere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No.."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Bismarck when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, "Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to."
So Ole drove to Fargo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole. Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died.'"
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, asked, "That's it? Just 'Ole died.'? Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K. You put, Ole died. Boat for sale"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch.
Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. "Have you eaten your banana yet?" Ole asked excitedly. "No," replied Lars. "Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed, "I yust took vun bite and vent blind!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it "Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet." "How come?" asked Lars. "Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics. While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?" Ole replied, "No, I'm Norvegian and my name ain't Valter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And dot's enough!
 

[tt11758]

[Pathfinder]

Two Norwegian hunters from North Dakota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However,
even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we
are?" "Yaaah, I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

OK, Tom, wanna play that game, huh?

Why do they only have astroturf on the football fields in Iowa?










So the cheerleaders won't graze.