Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

SAYS WHO!!!!!

[MikeBjerum]

Top Four Adult Jokes of All Time ...


Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
His elbow goes into her breast.
The y are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.   
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
To confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.   
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.   
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
---------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table o ne morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
 

[ellis4538]

TWENTY
DOLLARS

On
their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly
aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed. 
   
This
scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years,
with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new
clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.. 
   
Arriving
home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very
drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His
employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he
had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to
find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He 'd been earning,
and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined. 
   
Calmly,
his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Y ears
of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then
she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which
were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the
largest depositors in the bank. 
   She
explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for
sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of
her savings and investments. 
   Faced
with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband
was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his
voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I
would have given you all my
Business!' 
   
That's
when she shot him. 
   

[philw]

How many Country Music singers does it take to change a light bulb




Two - One to change it, the other to sing about how good the old one was


( i heard this on the weekend , and thought it was rather funny at the time - it was told in the middle of a Garth Brooks song )










Remember years ago there was a controversy about back masking on songs (ie they would supposedly say something when played backwards)....

You know what happens when you play a country music song backwards?













The guys dog comes back, his wife comes back, he gets his farm and his truck back.....

[ericire12]

Video: Saturday Night Live.... The Rock Obama

Hulk out:

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/the-rock-obama/1056126/

[Sponsor]

[Marshal Halloway]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk.  When he grabs a tit and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the tit...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

[shooter32]

LOL Good one Marshal

[PegLeg45]

Down Home Arab Holistic Medicine...............


Ahkmed the Arab came to America from the Middle East and he was only here a few months when he became ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said:  "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket,  pee on de poop, and deen put your head down over de bocket ahn breathe in de fumes for teen meenites."

Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, and bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor, he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick."

[long762range]

just sent that joke to my son in Iraq.  He almost hurt himself laughing. 

 

[Hazcat]

How's the boy doing, Longrange?