Classic joke thread...

[MikeBjerum]

Sometimes, you can tell by the flavor!!!
 
A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of  first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.                   

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green...................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ass-holes.'

[Bill Stryker]

Snopes does not list this as "false;” but you might want to check this out with the IRS and your Senators.


Income taxes are normally due on April 15th unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday, in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th.

However, I have been told that rule has recently been changed for this and for the next 4 years, tax payments will not be due until you are nominated to a cabinet position.

Please check with your Tax adviser to confirm

 

[1911 Junkie]

A rich guy and a poor guy are sitting at a bar.
The rich guy says,"today's my wifes birthday."
The poor guy asks what he got her.
The rich guy replies,"I bought her a diamond necklace and a new mercedes."
The poor guy asks why he bought both, to which the rich guy replies,"well, I figure if she doesn't like
the necklace she can get in her mercedes and drive it back to the store."
The poor guys,"oh, good thinking, today's my wifes birthday also."
The rich guy asks what he got her and the poor guy says,"I bought her a pair of flip-flops and a dildo."
The rich guy says,"thats an interesting combination."
The poor guy says,"yeah, I figure if she doesn't like the flip-flops, she can go f##k herself."

[philw]

definition of disappointment


http://s409.photobucket.com/albums/pp175/wombat_69/AHN/?action=view&current=definition_of_disappointment11.flv

[philw]

Subject: ...and that's how the fight started

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When his wife asked him why, he replied, "Well, she still hasn't used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?"

I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

--------------------------

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

--------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

--------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

[Sponsor]

[philw]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a
University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was so "profound" that the
professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet,
which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving
into Hell and t he rate at which they are leaving. I
think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at
the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls
are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and
pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks
loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and
pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account
the fact that I slept with her last night, then number
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
"Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[runstowin]

After the election, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin decided to do her best to heal the wounds with her rivals in the bitter campaign.

She invited the ticket that defeated John McCain and her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden, to a moose-hunting trip.

She hired three prominent experts in their fields to assist.

Dick Cheney would lead them on the hunt.

Ted Kennedy would drive them back to their cabins each evening.

And Bill Clinton would entertain their wives and daughters.

[1911 Junkie]

A peasant girl decided she wanted to go to the ball, so, her fairygodmother helped her out.  She gave her
the horse drawn carriage, evening gown, shoes and jewlery.  She even gave her a magic diapragm, the only
catch was that the diapragm would turn into a pumpkin at midnight.  The peasant girl went happily on
her way.
After many hours, about 5AM the peasant girl finally came home wearing a big smile on her face. The fairy
godmother was irrate,"where have you been? Your diapragm should have turned into a pumpkin hours ago."
The peasant girl said,"it's ok, I met a handsome prince who took care of everything."
Her fairygodmother replied,"I don't know of any prince with such powers. What was his name?"
The peasant girl said,"I don't know, Peter Peter something or other...."

[PegLeg45]

Texas Gun Logic
I like the logic of those Texans.

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

He had grabbed the purse and ran.

She had her hand on the gun in the purse when he grabbed the purse and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away, she replied under oath:
“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”

[shooter32]

 Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's
      when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab
      turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

      The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on
      everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
      But the final straw was last night when I pissed in
      the middle of my owner's bed."

      The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

      "Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the
      Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

      The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab
      and asked "why are you here?"

      The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences,
      dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.
      When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
      the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
      owners' couch."

      "So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

      "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.

      The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked,
      "Why are you here?"

      "I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
      the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump
      everything I see. Yesterday, the little old lady that owns me had
      just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes,
      and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started
      hammering away".

      The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,

      "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

      The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm Here To Get My Nails Clipped."