Classic joke thread...

[Badgersmilk]

Subject: something for everyone...

 
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
 
I have kleptomania,
But when it gets bad,
I take something for it.
 
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
 
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
 
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
 
 
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.
 
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians.
 
 
A bartender is just a pharmacist
With a limited inventory

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore...

ARKANSAS
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.
 
I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.
 
Dyslexics Have More Nuf
 
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
 
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
 
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
 
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
 
 
I am having an out-of-money experience.

 
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
 

[Badgersmilk]

> A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when
the newscaster says, "Six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident
today." 

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's
horrible!"  Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving,
and there is risk involved." 

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[long762range]

I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well,she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter--- let's look for yours.

[PegLeg45]

I know this is an 'oldie' and has been posted before, but I saw it again today and just can't stop laughing.......
This has to top my list of funny videos.
Cracks me up every time.....................and every time I watch it I find something else funny about it.....

      



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGkUgdL-9w4

[tt11758]

"Bill Gates's Judgement day"

 
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows Vista.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked. "I'll leave that up to you." God replied. "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill. Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water?" "Oh," God said, "that was Hell XP. This is Hell Vista." 

[Sponsor]

[Hazcat]

VISTA!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tt11758]

VISTA!  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZACTLY!!!

[tombogan03884]

Obama walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder
The bartender asks "where did you get that"?
The parrot says " Africa , they're all over the place"

[ellis4538]

WHY WE LOVE OLDER PEOPLE:

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand.'
'Why thank you very much' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'   

[long762range]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London .
After the plane was airborne drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for
a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores
than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."