Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

The 11th Husband....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be
gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten
times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it
was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out
Diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

'Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process, but he wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art
method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't
sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure
how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it - God I miss
him.’

'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?’

'Because you're with the GOVERNMENT,’ she said, ‘and
this time I KNOW I'M going to get thoroughly
SCREWED!'
 

[MikeBjerum]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.

 
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

 
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

 
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

[Bill Stryker]

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes
to the starving people throughout the world.  I told them to kiss my
ass!!  Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!



 
 
 

[Bill Stryker]

>
>
>
>                                 A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>                                 The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
>
>                                 Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
>
>                                 The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra high resolution photo.
>                                 The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
>                                 
>                                 Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>                                 
>                                 Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>                                 
>                                  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
>                                 He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
>                                 
>                                 Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>                                 
>                                 The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
>                                 "You work for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
>                                 
>                                 "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
>                                 
>                                  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ....
>                                 
>                                 
>                                 Now give me back my dog!
>                                 



I think I may have posted this before. Too bad, I'm from the Government and I am here to help. It is still funny.



PS, I am retired and not really from the government anyway.

[red364]

The Psychic


Kristi was worried about her newest relationship, so she consulted a psychic.
The psychic told her, "I have some bad news. Yout boyfriend will be brutally murdered within the next month.
He will stabbed, shot and dragged behind a car. Then he will be set on fire. He will die a horrible death."

Kristi was taken aback and gasped, "Will I be convicted?"


 

[Sponsor]

[red364]

TOO BAD AMIGO


A beautiful fairy appeared one day
             to a destitute Mexican refugee     
             outside an Arizona immigration     
             office.                           
                                               
             "Good man," the fairy said, "I've 
             been sent here by President Obama 
             and told to grant you three       
             wishes, since you just arrived in 
             the United States with your wife   
             and eight children."               
                                               
            The man told the fairy,  "Well,   
             where I come from we don't have   
             good teeth, so I want new teeth,   
             maybe a lot of gold in them."     
                                               
             The fairy looked at the man's     
             almost toothless grin and --       
             PING!-- he had a brand new shining
             set of gold teeth in his mouth!   
                                               
             "What else?" asked the fairy, "Two
             more to go."                       
                                               
             The refugee claimant now got       
             bolder.  "I need a big house with 
             a three-car garage in Annapolis on
             the water with eight bedrooms for 
             my family and the rest of my       ;
             relatives who still live in my     
             country..  I want to bring them   
             all over here" --- and -- PING!-- 
             in the distance there could be     
             seen a beautiful mansion with a   
             three-car garage, a long driveway,
             and a walkout patio with a BBQ in 
             an upscale neighborhood           
             overlooking the bay.               
                                           
             "One more wish," said the fairy,   
             waving her wand.                   
                                               
             "Yes, one more wish.  I want to be
             like an American with American     
             clothes instead of these torn     
             clothes, and a baseball cap       
             instead of this sombrero.  And I   
             want to have white skin like       
             Americans" ---and --- PING! -- The
             man was transformed - wearing     
             worn-out jeans, a Baltimore       
             Orioles T-shirt, and a baseball   
             cap.  He had his bad teeth back   
             and the mansion had disappeared   
             from the horizon.                 
                                               
             "What happened to my new teeth?"   
             he wailed. "Where is my new       
             house?"                           
                                               
             THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .       
                                               
             NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD   .
             . . . . . .                       
                                               
             The fairy said:                   
             "Tough shit, Amigo, now that you   
             are a white American, you have to 
             fend for yourself."   

[ellis4538]

Worke for me!

Richard

[Pathfinder]

From today's www.lucianne.com:

[philw]

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit Pakistan.
Two million Pakistanis died and over a million injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

Australian’s, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Pakistanis.
God Bless Australian generosity!

[fightingquaker13]

Can they use some Mexicans and Guatemalans? I'll even throw in some leaf blowers and weed whackers.
FQ13 who is going straight to hell for that