Classic joke thread...

[kmitch200]

OUCH!....and stolen!

[tombogan03884]

Would you believe I got that from my MOTHER.   

[ratcatcher55]

Aussies!



A Drover walks into a bar with a pet  crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.  He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a  deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. 

Then the croc will close his  mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit  unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their  approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, 
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth..

The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really,
really hard on  the top of  its head

The croc  opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as  promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay  anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over  the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. 

A blonde woman timidly spoke up... 'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard with the beer  bottle!' 

[tt11758]

Would you believe I got that from my MOTHER.   

You obviously come from good stock, Mr. President. 

[crusader rabbit]

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Johnny's was the only hand in the air and he said; 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped @ the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*** the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Johnny put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right!!! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Johnny says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, We're screwed!'

Little Johnny said quietly, 'the American people, November 4, 2008.'

[Sponsor]

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-90rHFreKjvs/tig_ol_bitties/

[Majer]

Henny Youngman Lives On

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe it... 2:30 AM! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
 
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead"  The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"
 
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
 
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
 
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
 
Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass!
Do you think I should change dentists?
 
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheel chair.
 
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".
 
The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

[PegLeg45]

So there's this guy who just got out of a really bad divorce from his wife.

One day, he found a genie's lamp.

After rubbing it a little, the genie popped out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, the catch is, whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets twice as much!"

The guy didn't like that part as he absolutely hated the way she strung him through the ringer, but he didn't see any way around it so he made his first wish without even thinking about it.

"Genie, I wish I had brand new Ferrari."

POOF!!! A beautiful new Ferrari appeared right in front of him...but the genie reminded him that his ex-wife now had two!

This didn't make the guy happy, but he went on with his second wish a little impulsively.

"Genie, I wish I had 2 billion dollars!"

POOF!!! His whole car is filled with a countless amount cash, but again the genie informs him that he just gave his ex-wife 4 billion dollars.

By now, the guy is very angry, so he takes extra care in considering his next wish.

Suddenly, a huge grin breaks out on his face and he says, "Genie, I wish you would beat me half to death!"

[Ichiban]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman were sitting in a bar in Sydney, Australia.

"The view is fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional," said the Scotsman, "but I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you'd like. Then, when you've had enough drink, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid - ALL on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

[Badgersmilk]

Why construction workers shouldn't be allowed to buy beer.