Classic joke thread...

[gunman42782]

Did you hear about the lesbians who build a house and didn't use a single nail?  It was all tongue and groove. 

[Majer]

[Majer]

[tombogan03884]

**A New Business Opportunity**
 
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

[Badgersmilk]

**A New Business Opportunity**
 
A friend of mine just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Tough market to get word of mouth, or repeat customers in I'll guess.   

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

These are actual comments made by Texas Highway Patrol Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new.   They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."


4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?   Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going?   I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.   Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning!   You want a warning?   O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.   Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair?   You want me to be fair?   Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota.   Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore.   We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.   So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?   You're right, we don't.   Sign here."   

[tt11758]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters



'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

[tt11758]

[tt11758]

The second was a well  mannered elderly woman from the South. 
When the conversation  centered on whether they had any children, the
California  woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my  husband
built a beautiful mansion for me." 
The lady from the  South commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman  continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought  me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.. 
Again, the lady from  the South commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman  continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born,
my  husband bought me this exquisite diamond  bracelet. 
Yet again, the  Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart." 
The first woman then  asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for
you when  you had your first child?" 
"My husband sent me to  charm school," declared the Southern lady. 
"Charm school?" the  first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?" 
The Southern lady  responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who
gives a  shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart".. 

[Teresa Heilevang]

Traffic Control in Rural Kansas: