Classic joke thread...

[tombogan03884]

Senior Moment At D.C. Airport

A Great Senior Moment! Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a D. C. airport. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets, on the evils of America . I politely declined to take one.The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam . All three died so a bitch like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."

[Majer]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE.


CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

[Majer]

My personal favorite bear defense gun has always been a pistol in .22 short. I've found over the years when hiking in bear country I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law in northern New York . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she MAD! We must have been near one of her cubs. Any way if I had not had my little .22 I'd sure not be here today. That's right, one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace. That's one of the best pistols in my safe. 

[Ichiban]

President Obama went to a bank to cash a check.  As he approached the cashier he said, "Good morning, Ma'am.  Could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir.  Could you please show me your ID?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to.  I am Barack Hussein Obama, the president of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are.  However, due to all the regulations and monitoring of the banks mandated by the Dodd/Frank legislation, I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am, and they will tell you.  Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. President, but these are the bank rules, and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you, please, to cash this check!"

Cashier: "Look, Mr. President, I just thought of a possible away around this situation.  A couple of precedents may apply to your case ...
    - One day Tiger Woods came into this bank without ID.  To prove he was Tiger Woods, he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.  With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.
    - Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID.  He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup.  With that shot we cashed his check.
  So, Mr. President.  What can you do to prove that it is you ... and only you ... as the President of the United States?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally said:  "Honestly, my mind is a total blank.  There is nothing that comes to my mind.  I can't think of a single thing.  I have absolutely no idea what to do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

[MinotBob]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?”

"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

This happened last winter just outside of Douglas, a little town in the back country of North Dakota. It sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale.

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a snow storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was snowing so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghost like in the snow. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine .

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and he would drown!

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again! Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into Garrison. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, 'Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in the snow.'

 

[PegLeg45]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..’

‘Great’, says Tom, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’.’

‘Not a problem’ says Tom. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops, ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too.’

Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’

‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too.’

Now that’s really not a problem’ says Tom, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?’

‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us…’

[PegLeg45]

A pretty girl is driving through the West.

Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.
 
Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.

Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off.

"My God!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady,"says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

[PegLeg45]

A man was sitting on his front porch one morning and saw a young couple moving next door.

The husband of the couple opened the moving van, removed a hammock and proceeded to set up the hammock in the back yard.

Meanwhile, his wife was working feverishly unloading boxes.

After a while, the young lady emerged from the house with a cold beer and a pillow and gave them to her husband.

She then proceeded to cut the grass and clean up the yard.

This infuriated the man who was watching, so he walked next door to give the husband a piece of his mind. "Sir," he said angrily, "you ought to be hung!"

The neighbor replied, "I am, my friend."

[PegLeg45]

An elderly woman walked into a doctor's office and told the doctor that she and her husband had not been intimate in years.
She said that her husband seemed to have a lack of desire.

After listening to the woman for a while, the doctor said, "I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner...."

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor's office and exclaimed, "You have to change my husband's prescription!! It is much too strong!! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table breaking all of the dishes!! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right there!!

"I feel awful," said the doctor. "Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes."

"Don't worry about it," replied the woman, "we just won't eat at that restaurant any more!!"