Classic joke thread...

[philw]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or .....a Southern Republican ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire h im to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street
that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:

.........BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click

Daughter:

"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

[1911 Junkie]

I know, Christmas is over but here it is anyway.

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house
everybody felt shitty
even the mouse

Mom at the whorehouse
and dad smoking grass
I just settled down
for a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
I heard a great clatter
I sprung from my piece
to see what was the matter

And out on the lawn
I saw a big prick
I knew in a moment
it must be Saint Nick

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
the F-cker had fell

He filled all our stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer

He went up the chimney
with a thunderous fart
the son of a bitch
blew the chimney apart

He yelled and he cursed
as he rode out sight
"Merry Christmas to all
and have a hell of a night"

[tombogan03884]

An old country farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.  From morning till night she was always complaining about something.

The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.  He tried to plow a lot.  One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him

lunch in the field.  He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.  Immediately, his wife began nagging him again...

Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on.  All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

 

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd...  When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,

then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.  So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded

his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

'And what about the men?' the minister asked.

'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

[PegLeg45]

Once there was husband and wife who had just bought a new mule.
They were walking it down the street when the mule trips over a stone.
The husband says, "That's one!"
They walk some more, when the mule trips over a stone again.
The husband says, "That's two!"
Then the mule trips over a stone a third time.
The husband says, "That's three," and shoots the mule right between the eyes!
The wife gets mad and start's cursing and raising hell at the husband and saying, "That was our only mule! You were an idiot to shoot it!"
The husband turns and says to his wife, "That's ONE!"

[philw]

To all who's New Year resolution is to loose weight   

The  Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN  PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You  walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka  pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka  pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka  pasta da table and fridge.

You  will lose weight! 

[Sponsor]

[MikeBjerum]

Meet Bob
 
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
 

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday.

[tombogan03884]

Remember when Ronald Reagan was president.

 We also had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...

Now we have Obama and no hope and no cash.

[philw]

I know, Christmas is over but here it is anyway.

+1 


Merry Christmas et. al. Be sure to read the disclaimer !!!


 

To All My Left-wing Friends:

 

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday for the Northern Hemisphere Nations, and the summer solstice for the Southern Hemisphere Nations, along with the confused nations within the equatorial belt, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2010, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make the U.S.A. great. Not to imply that the U.S.A. is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, fiscal standing, criminal record, drinking habits, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

 

 

To My Right-wing Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

I hope most of you guys are right wingers..........

[Johnny Bravo]

1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago,
witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens
aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico
. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by
the U.S. . Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April1948, nine
months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
It did for me.

No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Now You Know.

[tombogan03884]

I know you posted it as a joke, and Snopes says it isn't true but in fact Al Gore WAS born in the right time frame

Albert Arnold "Al" Gore, Jr. (born March 31, 1948)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Gore