Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

NOTE: I do not advocate violence against women.

Reminds me of a domestic violence conversation Mrs. T and I had when we were first married.  I believe her exact words were, "Go ahead and hit me anytime you want..................then go to sleep."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Reminds me of a domestic violence conversation Mrs. T and I had when we were first married.  I believe her exact words were, "Go ahead and hit me anytime you want..................then go to sleep."

Ha ha.. exactly what I say..
" Go ahead.. hit me.. make it real good cause you will NEVER get another chance..and you will have to go to sleep sometime!"

Oral Sex Survey Results
 
5,000 men were asked
 to complete a survey on what they liked best about Oral Sex:
 
a. 3% liked the warmth.

b. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c. 93% appreciated the silence.

[red364]

The Unlucky Hunter

A hunter walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting himself in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.'"
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the West Virginia Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye!"

[ratcatcher55]

A little old  lady was walking down the street dragging two large
         plastic garbage bags  behind her.  One of the bags was ripped and every once
         in a while a $20 fell out onto the  sidewalk.
 
         Noticing  this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are
         $20 bills falling out  of that bag."
 
         "Oh  really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back
        and see  if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me  officer."
 
         "Well,  now, not so fast," said the cop.  Where did you get all that
         money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
 
         "Oh, no,  no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right
         next  to the football stadium parking lot.  On game days, a lot of fans come
         and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
 
         It used to really tick me off.  Kills the flowers, you know.  Then I
         thought, 'why not make the best of it?'  So, now, on game days, I  stand
         behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge  clippers.
         Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I  surprise him, grab
         ahold of it and say, "O.K., buddy!  Give me $20, or  off it comes!"
 
         "Well,  that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good
         luck! Oh, by the way,  what's in the other bag?"
 
         "Well, you  know", said the little old lady, "not everybody  pays."

[Bill Stryker]

The Frozen Carburetor...
 
In  the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
 
For example:  On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern  British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
 
"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
 
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply. 
 
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
 
"Can't."
 
"OK, Watch me and I will show you."
 
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.   The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.   A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
 
It began:  "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..."
 

[Sponsor]

[red364]

The Skin Transplant


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

[shooter32]

The Skin Transplant


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Good one red. LOL 

[MinotBob]

THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.  HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS:  "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?  YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..
BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY..  I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS:  "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.  BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

[Bill Stryker]

Coyote Population


The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were
 presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the
 coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
 tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the
 tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
 What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
 would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population
 would be controlled.  This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta
 Ranching Association and Farming  Association by the Alberta
 Government and the Alberta Forest Service.
  All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of
 minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference
 room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you
 understand our problem.
 Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'
You should have been there to hear the roar of laughter!

[Johnny Bravo]

*A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in
  front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number
  tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.*
 
  *Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her.** Out
  of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.*
 
  *"Hi there, little girl,** I'm President Obama. What do you have
  in the basket?" he asked.*
 
  *"Kittens."** little Suzy said.*
 
  *How old are they?** asked Obama.*
 
  *Suzy replied,** "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open
  yet."*
 
  *"And what kind of kittens are they?"*
 
  *"Democrats,"** answered Suzy with a smile.*
 
  *Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his** car, he
  called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the
  kittens.*
 
  *Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the
  president should return the next day,** and, in front of the
  assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.*
 
  *So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with
  her basket of** "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up,
  this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN* *(no FOX
  NEWS).*
 
  *Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got
  out of his limo and walked over to** little Suzy..*
 
  *"Hello, again,"** he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my
  friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."*
 
  *"Yes sir," Suzy said.** "They're Republicans."*
 
  *Taken by surprise, the president stammered,** "But...
  but..... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."*
 
  *Little Suzy smiled and said,** "I know. But today, they have
  their eyes open."*