Classic joke thread...

[philw]

teaching maths in oz

1. Teaching Maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment:  Discuss how the birds and koalas might feel as the logger cuts down their homes just for a
measly profit of $20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a $100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another $100 because he is such an easy target.  When he is released he returns to find some indigenous people have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, im prisoned for 6 months and fined a further $100.

While he is in jail the indigenous people cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for $100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of koala and goanna, and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The logger on release is warned that failure to clear the fly and vermin ridden rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced $12,000 plus GST for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

 Your assignment:  How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make $20 profit by hard work, give up, sign on to the dole and live off the government for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’ t get a loan to buy a new truck because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million dollar in bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.  The logger struggles to pay the $1,200 licencing fee on his old truck however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Vietnamese loggers buy the truck from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government's expense. Following their holiday back home they return to Australia with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay $1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2017

  أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
ا! لثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

[Johnny Bravo]

                                                          "Cowboy Bank Loan"
                                         Or, never underestimate a Texas cowboy.
 
A Cowboy from Sweetwater , Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer.  He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international rodeo for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Cowboy handed over the keys to a new Ferrari.  The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  The Cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.  The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Cowboy from Texas for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.  An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.  The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.  Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater , Texas.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The good 'ole Texas boy replied,  “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Don't mess with TEXANS...

[PegLeg45]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide ............

Let's see now ...

·       No Jesus

·       No Christmas

·       No television

·       No cheerleaders

·       No Nude Women

·       No car races

·       No football

·       No soccer

·       No golf

·       No tailgate parties

·       No pork BBQ

·       No hot dogs

·       No burgers

·       No lobster

·       No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks

·       No nachos

·       No Beer nuts

·       No Beer  !!!!!!!!

·       Rags for clothes, and towels for hats.

·       Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

·       Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

·       More than one wife.

·       You can't shave.

·       Your wives can't shave ...

·       You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

·       The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

·       Your bride is picked by someone else.

·       She smells just like your donkey.

·       But your donkey has a better disposition.

·       Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

·         I mean,  really,  is there a mystery here ?

[red364]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
 




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
 

[tt11758]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40
 




Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
 
 

That ain't funny.   

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

  Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They said to named
Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

[philw]

The World's First Tech Support Guy


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02JeTwpVt1s

[ellis4538]

What gave Tiger away was she found "Performance Enhancing Drugs" in his luggage......Viagra!

FWIW

Richard

[PegLeg45]

What gave Tiger away was she found "Performance Enhancing Drugs" in his luggage......Viagra!

FWIW

Richard

Poor soul just couldn't be happy just playing the 'home course'.

Now he's in the dog-house instead of the clubhouse.

[MikeBjerum]

On a scale of 1 - 10 Elin is what ... a 17!!!

Hell, he could share her will all of us and still have a 12, and he's out pickin up waitresses 

Maybe that club should have been inserted in left ear until it exited the right!

Next thought of the day ...

You're Tiger Woods and you've screwed up, where do you think you are going to run that someone isn't going to find you?

On the humorous side, of all of Tiger's great shots have you ever seen him have any success when he is in the trees or man made items around the course.  He should have just taken the penalty, gotten his relief and started from there.