Classic joke thread...

[red364]

                    3 GENERALS

Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away would get his full annual benefits plus 10,000 Dollars for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of 720,000 Dollars.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for 960,000 Dollars.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer arrived and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "One in Iraq and the other in Afghanistan. .. Keep measuring."

[PegLeg45]

Tools and their uses explained!!
 
DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it  smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS :
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the  more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH :
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW :
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks.   See: Son of a b*tch TOOL

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[MikeBjerum]

Jesus Clip



Originally found holding any number of cables to linkage in the tight confines of an automotive engine compartment.

Most commonly found where only Jesus knows after a simple attempt to remove  

[philw]

Amish Sex


An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

   The daughter said to her mother,
 
      'My hands are freezing cold.'
 The mother replied,
 
 
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

   The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
 The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
 
 
'My  hands are freezing cold.'

   The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

   He did and warmed his hands.

   The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

   He said,   'My nose is cold.'

   The girl replied 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

   He did and warmed his nose.

   The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

   The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
 and she asks,   'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

   Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
 The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'     

[bulldog75]

I dont know if you have heard this one I have not read all the ones on this page so here goes.
I went to the dentist the other day and had to have a root canal. He goes to give me a shot to numb me and I tell him to go ahead without the shot I can handle the pain. He says this is one of the most painful things you will ever have done to you. I tell him that I have dealt with worse go ahead and give it to me. He starts drilling and yes it was painful but not that bad. He stops mid way and says dam you have a high pain tolerance, you might be one of the toughest men I have ever met. I told him that it was the third most painful thing that I have ever had happen to me. He says "third" what the heck was number two. I told him that I was hunting and had to take a number 2 and when I squated down to do my business a steel trap snapped shut on my man parts. The dentist says that had to be painful, I said yea but it was number 2. He askes what was number one.

When I got to the end of the chain.

[Sponsor]

[PegLeg45]

Now that was painfully funny right there.   

[philw]

Number 3's


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paw0M7p1-8k

[Bill Stryker]

Cars are soon to be a thing of the past. They have always been just beyond my means, but we took out a Cadillac Escalade  for a test drive, just to drive that sucker before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summerv heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

[tt11758]

WINTER Poem 

It's winter in Iowa
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Iowa
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut. 

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Iowa
I'm frozen to the frigging ground!
 

[Bill Stryker]

We all remember the "Hillary Meal"---small breasts and big thighs. 

    Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.
     It's called the Obama Cabinet Bucket.---It consists of nothing but
    Left wings and assholes.