Classic joke thread...

[Majer]

            OBAMA GOES ON A STATE VISIT TO ISRAEL, AND WHILE HE IS ON A TOUR OF JERUSALEM HE HAS A FATAL HEART ATTACK. THE UNDERTAKER TELLS THE US DIPLOMATS: "YOU CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED HOME FOR $1 MILLION OR YOU CAN  BURY HIM HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $100.
             
            "THE US DIPLOMATS GO INTO A HUDDLE AND COME BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER AND TELL HIM THEY STILL WANT OBAMA FLOWN HOME. THE UNDERTAKER IS PUZZLED AND ASKS: "WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $1 MILLION TO GET HIM HOME WHEN IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO BE BURIED HERE IN THIS RELIGIOUS COUNTRY, AND YOU WOULD ONLY SPEND $100?"
            ONE DIPLOMAT REPLIED: "MORE THAN 2000 YEARS AGO A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE, AND JUST 3 DAYS LATER HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD. "WE SIMPLY CANT TAKE THAT RISK".

[TAB]

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."

[TAB]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
 "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
 She said, " Yes . My husband and I use it all the time."
 "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
 "We use it for sex ," she said.
 The researcher was a little taken aback.
 "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex . I admire
 you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex ?"
 The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

[Solus]

Did you hear about the Newlyweds who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and putty?

Their windows fell out.

[Ichiban]

And Johnny Cash wrote "Ring of Fire" after mixing up the Vicks Vapor Rub with the Vaseline.

[Sponsor]

[alfsauve]

My friend Marty, source of many jokes, is a USPSA shooter and a senior, seasoned citizen. 

He recently posted of his return visit to his childhood home in Brooklyn.

Some years ago I returned to Brooklyn where I grew up. I went by a former home on Thursday afternoon, then drifted over to some of the stores where I had shopped -- and my old barber shop, now with different owners. I was surprised when the shoe repair shop, Goldstein's, was still there and there was old man Goldstein standing behind the counter.
 
I went in and introduced myself and pointed out that the last time I was there, some 35 years back, I had brought in my Cordovan slip-on shoes for new heels. Goldstein said that he remembered. Amusedly, I asked him if he still had them and if they had the new soles. He said, "They'll be ready for you on Tuesday."

[Majer]

Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald, "See how clever I am?
The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.
I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit.
I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."
Donald goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry.
Trump swallows it and asks for another one.
The owner gives him another one.
Then Donald asks for a third pastry and  eats that,  too.
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and  asks, "What did you do with the pastries?"
Trump replies, "Look in Hillary's pocket"...

[Big Frank]

 

[alfsauve]

During a lull between the speeches at the recent White House Correspondent's dinner, Michelle Obama leaned over to chat with Joe Biden. "You know, I bought Barack a parrot for his birthday. The bird is so smart, Barack has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," says Joe, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words -- he doesn't really understand what they mean.”
 
"Oh, I know," Michelle replied, "Neither does the parrot."

[TAB]

URGENT!!!! HELP NEEDED!!!!!
 My friend won two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares, Marriott Hotel accommodations and $1000.00 for miscellaneous expenses. When he won them his Wedding date had not been finalized. Now it turns out the only date available at the church for their wedding is Super Bowl Sunday - so he can't go.
 If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at 1st Baptist Church at 5 PM. She is a fairly nice looking girl about 5'5 clean, cute, great booty and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the White dress.
 If interested, contact me for more detailed information! ASAP!!!