Classic joke thread...

[Outlaw]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant t seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.


He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of t he creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid head against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[TAB]

Dear Abby,

I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.

He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.

While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff. Do you think he is planning to leave me?

Signed, Worried in NY






Dear Worried in NY:

I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.

[Teresa Heilevang]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his
money.
 
  Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When
I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.
I want to  take my money to the afterlife with me."
 
  And so he got his wife to promise him, with all
of her heart, that when he died, she would put  all of the money into
the casket with him.
 
  Well, he died. He was stretched out in the
casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend
was sitting next to her.  When they finished the ceremony, and just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
 
  "Wait just a moment!"
  She had a small metal box with her; she came
over with the box  and put  it in the casket. Then the undertakers
locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
 
  "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband."
 
  The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a
Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money into the casket with him."
 
  You mean to tell me you put that money in the
casket with him!?!?!?"

  "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all
together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check....
If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

[Teresa Heilevang]

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee.   
 
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, 
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
 
The waitress nodded "yes,".. so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of
coffee on him.
 
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that Jesus over there?"
 
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea,
"My treat."
 
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He
hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
 "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,
 "Is that God's boy over there?"
 
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold
glass of Coke, "On my bill."
 
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed."
 
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a
jig out the door.
 
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."
 
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands,
praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
 
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. 
  The Redneck jumped up and yelled,   
"Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability."
 

[Hazcat]

CLASSIC Redneck!! 

[Sponsor]

[Majer]

hillery and obama are on the same ship in the middle of the ocean, The ship sinks, Who is saved?...
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AMERICA!!

[Teresa Heilevang]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor' s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.
Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[SlickRob]

OK Marshal'ette, here's a cute one for ya.

Saturday was always daddy's day with his young daughter.  On this Saturday he had some errands, and took her along.  One of the stops was at the barbers.  When he was called to the chair he gave his daughter a snack to keep her occupied.

A few minutes later she went to stand beside her daddy.  The old barber looked down and said, "Now sweetheart, you know you're going to get hair on your twinkie."

She looked up and said, "Uh huh, and I'm gonna get boobies too!"

[Teresa Heilevang]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

 

[tombogan03884]

Some one just E-Mailed me a bunch of blonde jokes, But I'm not going to post them because Marshal'ette was kind enough to pull my name for a Ruger shirt and HAZCAT got me in enough trouble last weekend , How the HECK are we going to get ALL those car parts off the roof Haz?