Classic joke thread...

[Ocin]

Less then smart cops...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHwNDpFbi0

[Big Frank]

Less then smart cops...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIHwNDpFbi0

Quotes from that youtube page: "the guy who uploaded thought it was real read description lol" "It was a commercial, but you'd be surprised how stupid cops can be. It doesn't take much to get a badge."

[PegLeg45]

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler, repair curtains, and pick up more Band-Aids. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply pressure with a towel to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to one leg of the dining table. Get heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

How To Give A Dog A Pill

 
1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

[MinotBob]

Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 53 years ago!

'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'

'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one.'

'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'

'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'

'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'

'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'

'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'

'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'

'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'

'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'

'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'

'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'

'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'

'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'

'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'

'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'

'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'

[Bill Stryker]

> 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. 
>
> 
>         He acquired his size from too much pi.
> 
> 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to
>         be an optical Aleutian.
> 
>  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
> 
> 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because
>          it was a weapon of math disruption.
> 
> 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
>
> 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
> 
> 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
> 
> 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
> 
> 9. Two silk worms had a race.  They ended up in a tie. 
> 
> 10. Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
> 
> 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.  The police are looking into it.
> 
>  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> 
>  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.  One hat said to the other,
>             'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
> 
> 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.  Then it hit me.
> 
>  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
> 
> 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.  When his
>              grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
> 
> 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
> 
> 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
> 
>  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
> 
>  20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
> 
>  21. A backward poet writes inverse.
> 
> 22. In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
> 
> 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
> 
> 24. Don't join dangerous cults.  Practice safe sects!

[Sponsor]

[ellis4538]

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Ocin]

Was this the cat in question?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmDDp-cCo24

[Big Frank]

To give my dog a pill I put it in a spoonful of peanut butter. He gets a pill, a snack, and a shiny coat too.
If you give him a big spoonful of peanut butter it's entertaining too. As a woman at work said one day it, looks like he's talking. 
I don't care what people say about having cats as pets, they're wild animals. Some are worse than that one.
You can train a cat to go potty in a box and stink up the house, but you can teach a dog to let you know when he wants outside to go.
I saw an article the other day that some guys are pretending to like cats. They must think it makes them more attractive.
Sorry. No joke.

[Teresa Heilevang]

The Silent Fart

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband, 'I just let out a long silent fart What do you think I should do?'

He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[PegLeg45]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic        Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


 PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.