Classic joke thread...

[Big Frank]

A man returns from holiday with a severe case of sunburn, so he promptly goes to see his doctor.

After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and a course of Viagra.

Looking a little confused the man says "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?"

The doctor says "The Viagra is to keep your bed sheets off you at night"

[Big Frank]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious,potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!  This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Bill Stryker]

    Who is your real friend?

    This really works...!

     

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment:

 

Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you

 

[Bill Stryker]

Subject: New Training
>
>The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob because
>he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay
>with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
>
>The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning
>with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
>
>They said, 'Man, what happened to you?'
>
>He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all
>night.'
>
>The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing
>- hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
>
>They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
>
>He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him
>all night .'
>
>The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a
>real man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
>bushy-tailed.
>
>'Good morning,' he said.
>
>They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
>
>He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked B ob into bed,
>patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night.
>
>Bob sat up and watched me all night.
>
Sounds very Navy to me.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Keeerrrrrr-shhhhmmmmmaaaakkkkk!

 

 

 

 

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT”.

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.


However, instead I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:


Dear Sir:


#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.


#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.


#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management. So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
 
 

[Sponsor]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Divorced Barbie
           

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly
remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop
and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in
the display window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, sir? We have: 

Work Out Barbie for $19.95

Shopping Barbie for $19.95

Beach Barbie for $19.95

Disco Barbie for 19.95

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95

Skater Barbie for $19.95 and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.
           
The amazed father asks: 'It's what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?'


The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir.

Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's
Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a cute
little key chain made with Ken's testicles.'

[philw]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye......It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought......

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who ask s, 'What may we do for
you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a
closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway...'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[philw]

Your Gay.......


1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys. Rather you've been sucking-OFF the boys and spend the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and following the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you're a flaaaaming fag. A cat is like a dog, but gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bon-bon, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you are the poster boy for GAY.

3. If you suck on lollipops, ring-pops, baby-pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord. A straight man only sucks barbecue ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, cray-fish guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you're clearly in a deep homosexual relationship. The world is a man's bathroom; he pisses and shits when and where ever he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black (or with thick, wholesome full cream milk) and full aroma. A true pussy-eating man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf cinnamon latte with skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick there too.

6. If you know more than six names of colours or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your bung. A real man doesn't have space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in AFL, Aussie cricket squad and V8 Supercar drivers. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is, you love the cock.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it... you're hungry for meat-popsicle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at retarded drivers or to cut the motherfuckers off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer, finger the hot bitch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to be), or talk on the mobile.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films – mon frere, vous sonnez le gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those poonce films is when it contains explicit female nudity OR will absolutely guarantee sex. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.

9. If the first website you check when you get online isn't australianhunting.net then face facts – copping a big sticky facial from your boyfriend remains your favourite pastime. What's more if you've never emailed Mick a big pig piccy then it's probably because you were busy at the gay bath house.

[philw]

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.

She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there.
He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'.
She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'.
She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. 'Do you have vagina' 'Yes' she says.

The man replies 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone, and start using yours!'.

[philw]

Bubba Jones came home from school one day, and as usual he was greeted by his mamma who was sitting on the back porch of their south Louisiana home drinking lemonade after a hard day pickin' cotton in the fields.
"Mamma", said Bubba, "they says that I got me the biggest penis in the whole of the third grade! Is that cuz I'm black?"
"No boy", said Mamma,
...."it's cuz your 28 years old and retarded"