Classic joke thread...

[Badgersmilk]

Owwweee!  

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_how_can_we_make_the

Way to save money North Korea!

[philw]

Marine Speeding Ticket!

Top this for a speeding ticket:

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding
enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was
using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles
approaching near the crest of a hill.
 
The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began
reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun,
but it would not reset and turned off. Just then a deafening roar over
the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC
F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the
location.
 
Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a
complaint to the USMC Base Commander.
 
Back came a reply in true USMC style:
 
Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on
this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical
computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and
subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a
jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile
aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto
your equipment. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet
recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the
missile system alert status and was able to override the automated
defence system before the missile was launched and your hostile
radar was destroyed.
 
Thank you for your concerns.

[deepwater]

IF MEN WROTE ADVICE COLUMNS:


Q:  My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A:  Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you!  Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing, your best friend.  Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too?  If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you.  If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.


Q:  My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A:  Do it.  Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin.  Interestingly, men know this.  His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless.  This shows he loves you.  The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband has too many nights out with the boys. 

A:  This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged.  The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home.  Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too!).  Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stabel home.  The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him.  Then cook him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband doesn't know where my love button is.

A:  Your love button is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with it, do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help.  You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift.  To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.


Q:  My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A:  You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training.  Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming.  Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay.  What this means is that you do not love you man as much as you should.  He should never have to work to get you in the mood.  Stop being so selfish!  Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.


Q:  My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A:  I'm not sure I understand the problem.  Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[True_Texan]

Drinking with a   Texas  Girl


 

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas  girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The   Texas   girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'   


 
God Bless Texas

[fightingquaker13]

Drinking with a   Texas  Girl


 

A  Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas  girl are in the same bar.  When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass  to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't  need to drink with the same one twice.'

The  Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks no-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In  the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The   Texas   girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Texas we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the  same ones twice.'   


 
God Bless Texas

For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas!
FQ13

[Sponsor]

[philw]

Grammar 101

[Kid Shelleen]

Grammar 101

Now that's funny.

[Steyr M40A1]

For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas!
FQ13

That sounds like a great woman. Please tell us you at least dated her. Sound like she would make a great wife, but I would bet as with all women she had her crazy streak, god help whomever she was pissed at then.

[Kid Shelleen]

For perhaps the second time, we are in agreement. On the subject otTexas girls, I will add a story not a joke. When I was in grad school at UT, one my class mates was a blond girl who looked like Barbie doll/ UCLA cheerleader and was a good' Ol girl from Tyler. She was smart as hell and had a very dirty sense of humor. We were drinking at a happy hour that was sponsored by the faculty. She said she had to leave early as her house mate had set her up on a blind date.One of the profs, an unapologetic dirty old man from England, there for his first semester, asked with a bit of a leer, if she had protection. Tammy, without missing a beat, reached into her purse and pulled out a condom and a .38, and asked "What kind do you mean?". The expression on his face was priceless. God bless Texas!
FQ13

Careful there FQ. It sounds like you may be talking about my wife.

[tombogan03884]

Ain't this the truth



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land".



Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".



Now Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.