Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

Every man wants to leave a legacy­

Something he will be remembered for.


These three certainly left their mark.


Three Legendary Americans

[philw]

lol that is good  haha

[tombogan03884]

The liberal I forwarded that to said it offended him when I saw him.
I laughed in his face. 

[Solus]

The liberal I forwarded that to said it offended him when I saw him.
I laughed in his face. 

Send him a link to the video of the Gunny as a therapist.

[tombogan03884]

Short answer is he can't get video on the system he uses.
Other wise you bet your butt I would

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case . Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

[GASPASSERDELUXE]

The New Democratic Symbol


     

 

     


    The Democratic Party today announced that it is changing its symbol from the Donkey to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the Party's political stance.
    A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!
            It just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[tombogan03884]

A young ventriloquist is touring the States and one night, he's doing
a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  What
makes you think you can stereotype blonde women that way?  What does
the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being?  It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people.  Its people like you that make others think that all blondes
are dumb!  You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in
the name of
humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this!  I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.."

[tombogan03884]

    It all started on March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo. He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.

    Jim Bowie and the defenders were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving toward them.

    With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said:

    "Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

 

[gunman42782]

A Wisconsin farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust
loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'