The Down Range Forum
Member Section => Down Range Cafe => Topic started by: Teresa Heilevang on March 10, 2012, 12:56:55 PM
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I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then on the day before my colonopscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water.. with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, states that after you drink it... 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative!! I don't want to be too graphic here... but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of "MoviPrep spurtage" !! I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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:)
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The original story is a bit longer than what M'ette posted. http://www.miamiherald.com/2009/02/11/427603/dave-barry-a-journey-into-my-colon.html
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Hi;
After a certain age, "they" suggest that you get this procedure done evey +/- 5 years. So the next time you will be ready and have everything in order. The only problem I have with all of this is that it makes you feel like being assigned to a meat processing listing of doctors and appointments that keep those sort of people employed.
Currently, I have had a 24 heart monitor "stuck" to me with little abnomalities. Then a Stress test with a Imigeing Scan. Then another projected Heart monitor along with more doctor appointments - and it goes on and on unless you say this is it - I am OK - I will not be back....
the doctor told me at the last appointment that depending on MORE test results, I may have to:
Quit Smoking
Quit Drinking ( I have a fully stocked bar in the basement)
Eat certain foods ONLY
Take more drugs
I asked the doctor if this was serious enough to start getting personal matters in order and he stated he didnt know. So I told him - if it was time for the "check out counter" I ready for it.... To play this health care marathon and costs is not encouraging. Some times I really believe that all of this is just to keep people employed when nothing is really going on.
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just had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done .... offer to pay extra if they clean the scope off real good, so that it doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth...you will get a chuckle from the nurses, and an assurance that the endoscopy is done first. :D
the prep work is more than made up by the knowledge that everything is OK (my Dr uses MiraLax and Gatorade which is not too bad tasting)...... note to self...buy some Jello next time
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Been there. Done that.
That MaxiPrep stuff taste 10 times worst than the article lets on. Next time I'm just gonna OD on Exlax.
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Some people are against them but my wife just had a colon resection and that was not fun they found a large polyp grew back from 6 years ago. The scope couldn't get it all so after a couple of opinions we opted for the colon resection and they took about a foot of her colon out and the good part it wasn't cancerous
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I've had several and before one them urse asked me if I had been in before and I said "Yes, I'm glad you recognized me before the test instead of during!" just to add a little levity to the situation. I usually sleep thru them and tell people the worst part is drinking that vile tastng stuff. My Dr. has me get OTC stuff @ about $20 instead of giving me a prescription which would cost about $5...go figure.
Richard
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Hi;
After a certain age, "they" suggest that you get this procedure done evey +/- 5 years. So the next time you will be ready and have everything in order. The only problem I have with all of this is that it makes you feel like being assigned to a meat processing listing of doctors and appointments that keep those sort of people employed.
Currently, I have had a 24 heart monitor "stuck" to me with little abnomalities. Then a Stress test with a Imigeing Scan. Then another projected Heart monitor along with more doctor appointments - and it goes on and on unless you say this is it - I am OK - I will not be back....
the doctor told me at the last appointment that depending on MORE test results, I may have to:
Quit Smoking
Quit Drinking ( I have a fully stocked bar in the basement)
Eat certain foods ONLY
Take more drugs
I asked the doctor if this was serious enough to start getting personal matters in order and he stated he didnt know. So I told him - if it was time for the "check out counter" I ready for it.... To play this health care marathon and costs is not encouraging. Some times I really believe that all of this is just to keep people employed when nothing is really going on.
I'm really surprised he presented that as an option, around here if you go in with a broken arm they tell you you must quit smoking. :-\
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At age 60 years, I have had 3 colonoscopies. There is a history of colon cancer in my family, but so far I've had a clean bill of health. In my opinion, the prep is the definite downside of the process. Upside....the pipes get cleaned out. Also the doc has managed to find the two missing TV remotes and bowling trophy that has been missing!
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Dave Barry should get a medal for being a National Treasure..
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My prep was called "Go Lytely". Honest, no joke. About 5 liters worth. You do everything but. It came out like high pressure hot water. The odor was a cross between week old, mid August road kill, and boiling Sulphur.
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They put that scope so far up you they can check your teeth. :) I agree that the prep is the worst part. I don't plan on doing that again anytime soon.
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All of which is why I have a tatoo on my butt that says "Exit Only"
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#1. M'ette, I read this with hopes of making fun of and laughing at you, but then, being typical you, you were just making fun of some poor guy;
#2. Castor Oil was the prep of choice every time I had one. Advice was to mix it with a juice to make it go down easier - To this day I can hardly stomach orange juice, and I can not stand V8. Ignore the advice unless there is something you never want to drink again in your life - Thank God I didn't mix it with Crown!
#3. Why do the instructions on the prep (castor oil) forget to tell you that you should be sitting on the toilet when you drink the stuff? The speed of light may be an exaggeration, but the speed of sound does not begin to explain how fast it moves!
#4. Why do they always do the colon first and the endo second? And, why do the doctors love to tell you they use the same scope for both?
#5. Did I forget to tell you about the enemas? Nothing like shoving a plastic wand up the netherregions, squeezing a bag empty, and then rolling around on the bathroom floor to simulate a washing machine;
#6. And then there is that little instruction as you leave the office after the procedure: "If you feel the need to pass gas just let it go." Now, outside of the half gallon of KY they used there is nothing juicy in there, but they neglect to tell you they used enough air to inflate the Goodyear blimp. Maybe they should suggest you not stop at the grocery store on the way home!
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I remember when I was laying on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, and put me under. The 2 nurses were testing the "unit" they were going to use on me. On the end it had a headlight and a camera. I asked how hot the headlight got, and they both busted out laughing.
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I remember when I was laying on the table waiting for the doctor to come in, and put me under. The 2 nurses were testing the "unit" they were going to use on me. On the end it had a headlight and a camera. I asked how hot the headlight got, and they both busted out laughing.
They put you under ??? Lucky bastard!
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I am due for mine later this year. Every 5 years. The last time I had the Dr write me a Rx for the pill form of the liquid. It is a lot eaiser to take. Same lousy taste but a lot easier. You still have to drink about a gallon of water while taking them and I still gagged while taking them but I'll be doing the same thing the next time. I think it is like drinking sea water, when i tried a just about barfed. I'm not looking forward to it.
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They put you under ??? Lucky bastard!
Initially they weren't going to. But a friend of mine once told me a trick. He said to act real scared and nervous. If they sense you might get goofy, they'll put you out instead of of "half out". I did and it worked. I heard the doc say, "We're going to put you completely out, you'll be more comfortable". He did and I was.
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I know the Dr. very well, so he just kept talking to me. They did give me some Demerol, and I'm sure it took the edge off, but I was always awake. The highlight was when Doc asked if I wanted to see something really cool. I said sure. He told me to look at my belly. When I did he adjusted the light control and twisted the knob. He had made the light flex 90 degrees, and when he turned the know it rotated the light 360 degrees. It looked like a comet flying across my belly - coming up one side, across the middle, and then past the horizon on the far side.
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PROPOFOL - AKA - Milk of Amnesia.
If they don't offer it, ask for it!
And I never want to hear the words "bowel" and "cleansing" in the same sentence again. My doc told me to do the Miralax & Gatorade routine. After reading the instructions on the miralax bottle, I calcualated out that I was taking 11 TIMES the regular dose. It tastes OK but the results are same. :P
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The fun really starts when nothing but stomach acid is coming out. :'(
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The fun really starts when nothing but stomach acid is coming out. :'(
Fun :o. I have yet to have a colonoscopy and this isn't helping!
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Fun :o. I have yet to have a colonoscopy and this isn't helping!
You've survived several years of the IRS and living under the rule of Pres. BHO: It really isn't any different. Just bend over and grab your ankles :o
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You've survived several years of the IRS and living under the rule of Pres. BHO: It really isn't any different. Just bend over and grab your ankles :o
BOHICA. :-X
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Shooter32:
I just checked and saw that you are only 49. Just like 30 triggers the finger treatment, 50 triggers an entire broadcast studio insertion.
Happy Birthday Big Boy ;)
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By the way, where is the blonde that started all this joy >:(
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There is something positive to be gleaned from this otherwise uncomfortable procedure. Since you have to be doing all this anyway, now is the time to capture this data.
Follow these instructions to gain a valuable statistic about yourself.
1. Just before you drink the prep, weigh yourself and record the weight.
2. Just before you leave for the Med Center, when the prep has had maximum time to do it's job, weigh yourself again.
3. Subtract the second weight from the first.
4. Divide the difference from Step 3 by the second weight.
5. Multiply the result from Step 4 by 100 to give a percentage.
For example, if the first weight is 200 and the second is 150, the difference is 50, divided by 150 is .3333, times 100 is 33.33%
This is just an example and is not typical. Only a few here will have a percentage that high.
Post your percentage to this thread. It will be help everyone, yourself included, to know and understand you better.
In fact, this information is so meaningful that it should be a required part of the resume of every politician.
I think I will call it the FOS Index.
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....so that's 50 pounds of S**T in a 150 pound meat bag making it 200 pounds total with a S**T percentage of 33.333% OR is it 50 pounds of S**T in a 200 pound meat bag making it 200 pounds total but a S**T percentage of 25%. In other words, does the S**T qualify as part of the meat bag capacity or is the S**T in EXCESS of total meat bag capacity?
Inquiring minds want to know.
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....so that's 50 pounds of S**T in a 150 pound meat bag making it 200 pounds total with a S**T percentage of 33.333% OR is it 50 pounds of S**T in a 200 pound meat bag making it 200 pounds total but a S**T percentage of 25%. In other words, does the S**T qualify as part of the meat bag capacity or is the S**T in EXCESS of total meat bag capacity?
Inquiring minds want to know.
Actually I thought about which to use for awhile...yeah..I know I over analyze....
I came up with two reasons to use the 150 weight.
1. It gave the least flattering result. (higher FOS Index)
2. If you have two 150 persons, and they have different added S**T, using the 150 gives a more accurate comparison of the two.
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Jay, you must have daughters as I recall!
Meat bag....that's one I've used on occasion myself to describe my little girls dates!
BTW...does "a pint's a pound the world around" pertain to poo or is that just for water? ???
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I NEVER used the word "meat" around my daughters! Actually they were so well behaved living home I had almost no opportunity to bust on their beaus. We went right to full relationships in college and I missed out on my planned "baseball bat on the porch" routine. I was deprived.
Having given it more thought I still can't decide...the bag size is set...10 pounds in a 5 pound bag...but if it holds 10 pounds, then it's a TEN pound bag...
We need a scientist.
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Thankfully, my little girl has only had two boyfriends as well! The first while in junior high, we'll call the "meat bag" and her current one that she went to prom with in 2003. They're still together today!
Ten pounds of poo in a five pound bag is called a blivet.....a nickname given me by a Navy Chief!
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Solus, you've been watching The Big Bang (pun intended given this thread's topic and discussion) Theory again, haven't you? ? ? ? ? :o
Not go all Sheldon on your ass (ditto), but your math is wrong. The proper FOS would be
( (weight lost) / (original weight) ) * 100, or
( ( 50 ) / (200) / 100 or
25% weight loss, not 33%
;D
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That is correct if you want to see how much you lose.
I was working to see how much BS was added.
And that thread that first mentioned Big Bang Theory did get me hooked on it.
Sad thing is they are becoming roll models. ;D
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That is correct if you want to see how much you lose.
I was working to see how much BS was added.
And that thread that first mentioned Big Bang Theory did get me hooked on it.
Sad thing is they are becoming roll models. ;D
You mean this one? ? ? ? ? ?
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AzC9BL9eq14/TqUOuVk9Y1I/AAAAAAAABbI/ZDVxAB7D98Q/s1600/KaleyCuoco.jpg) ;D ;D ;D
As for role models, not so much. I find it an extremely guilty "guilty pleasure", what with all of the non-marital sex and whatnot. Trouble, is I KNEW people like everyone except the Indian guy - only because we weren't inundated with Indian guys in those days (and I pretty much WAS Leonard in college).
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Big Bang Theory is for the simple minded.
You need to get into String theory, or Bubble theory. ;D
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You mean this one? ? ? ? ? ?
(http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-AzC9BL9eq14/TqUOuVk9Y1I/AAAAAAAABbI/ZDVxAB7D98Q/s1600/KaleyCuoco.jpg) ;D ;D ;D
As for role models, not so much. I find it an extremely guilty "guilty pleasure", what with all of the non-marital sex and whatnot. Trouble, is I KNEW people like everyone except the Indian guy - only because we weren't inundated with Indian guys in those days (and I pretty much WAS Leonard in college).
That's the one!!!...
Kaley Cuoco is easy to watch...and I think her character is meant to be a humorous exaggeration as the other characters are.
If you are interested in some real life gossip about "Penny" and "Leonard" go here:
http://articles.nydailynews.com/2010-10-01/gossip/27076925_1_relationship-kaley-cuoco-happy-medium