Cesca has a great little post over at his blog today that floats an idea for a new airline called "
Airtight Security Airlines," and lists the various draconian restrictions that would make this airline ostensibly terrorist-threat-free. They include:
"--Profiling any and all people with swarthy complexions, regardless of political affiliation. People with skin that's any darker than 'egg shell' will be detained for questioning and body cavity searches. Look out Michelle Malkin and Charles Krauthammer! Get ready for a long day at the airport.
--Non-swarthy travelers are questioned about relationships or friendships with swarthies. All of this takes place at the terminal, by the way.
--No shoes, belts, liquids, metal, or underpants.
--Official AIRTIGHT SECURITY AIRLINES martial arts experts will weed out any passengers with kung fu, ninja or samurai skills.
--All passengers will be strapped down in cages like Buscemi in 'Con Air.'
--If anyone so much as utters the word 'Allah' -- all flights canceled.
--Mandatory diapers."
The point Cesca's making is in response to the pants-peeing reaction from the usual suspects to the supposed new threat from al-Qaeda following the arrest of the Underwear Bomber." Unless you're lucky enough to have been born deaf and blind, you're no doubt aware of what I'm talking about: the sky-is-literally-falling routine coming from the chicken hawks who think that no potential terrorist danger is too small to engage in a full-on martial law lockdown of the nation's airports and the immediate suspension of everyone's civil liberties -- you know, just to be safe.
But here's the thing: Am I the only one who thinks that the entire idea of completely losing your mind in an attempt to be "100% safe" while riding in a giant metal contraption that somehow travels 35,000 feet off the ground is kind of amusing? It reminds me of a great quote from Patton Oswalt's most recent album, My Weakness is Strong. In the bit, he suggests that flight attendants just be honest with airline passengers during the safety demonstration:
"Hi, welcome to JetBlue flight 354 from Burbank to JFK, cruising at an altitude of 40,000 feet for five hours and fifteen minutes. If anything goes wrong, you're dead. You understand? You are F"ing dead. This many people in a metal tube in the sky -- this should not be happening. This is against science and God. So, strap in and let's pee in God's face for five hours and dare him to kill us -- for five hours -- and we do this a hundred times a day. I'm gonna give everybody 45 seconds to leave the plane. I'd leave too if I heard what I just said. Nobody? Wow, we got a bunch of Vikings here today. Bolt that door. Today's a good day to die. Valhalla. Who wants some blue potato chips?"The point is that whether you're talking about potential terrorism or just the kind of unfortunate accidents that sometimes tragically happen (and there's nothing more irritating after an air disaster than the media doing their obligatory hand-wringing by asking "could this have been prevented?" Of course it could have, but it wasn't because accidents fricking happen and not every glitch will be caught or mistake avoided), the entire notion of trying to create a foolproof safety system is itself a fool's errand.
Put another way: According to statistician extraordinaire Nate Silver, there were 99,320,309 flights that either originated or landed in the U.S over the last decade. That means we had one terrorist incident per 16,553,385 flights (since there were six total in the last ten years). You have a better chance of being struck by lightning.
As Cesca also put it so beautifully, think about that the next time you're standing there at the airport with half your clothes and your dignity stuffed into a gray plastic bin.
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