Classic joke thread...

[Bill Stryker]

   A new supermarket opened
 near my house. It has an automatic water
mister to keep the produce
fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the
sound of distant thunder and
the smell of fresh rain.

 When you pass the milk cases,
you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

 In the meat department there is
the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks.

 When you approach the egg case,
 you hear hens cluck and cackle, and  the air is filled with the pleasing
aroma of bacon and eggs frying for
 breakfast.

The bread department features
the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there
anymore. 

[Outlaw]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

 Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked

up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex

with each of them three times."

 Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

 Man: "What sins?"

 Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

 Man: "I'm not, I'm Jewish."

 Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

 Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
 

[Outlaw]

True Story from  Houston  Medical  Center

 A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

 I don't know what's worse:

 1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

 

[Outlaw]

Sorry, I'm on a streak here

A man walks into a bank, gets in line, and when it's his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank.       

Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?" 

The customer replies, "Yes, I did!"  The bank robber raises his gun, points it at the guys head, pulls the trigger and kills him deader than a door nail.
       
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?"  The man calmly responds, "No, but my wife did!"

 

[Swamp Yankee]

A man and his nagging wife go on vacation to the Holy land. While there his wife dies suddenly. The local mortician  says they can ship her back to the States for $5000 or She can be laid to rest in the Holy land for $150. The mortician says it would be wonderful to have her interned here just think of how special it would be. The husband thinks about it for a couple of minutes and says to ship her back to the States. The mortician say why dont you think about it a little more. The husband replies that he had and that a long time ago a man had died and was buried then three days later  he arose from the dead and he just couldn't take that chance.

Mike Mc

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

Sighhhhhhhhhhhh~~my god... would you listen to this drivel??
 Here we go again with the... "Who me?? and the Not me ! ... 
Like ...ahhhh.. everyone knows the ones in here that stir up trouble ..
So I have to call 




I mean.. come on~~ Let's be honest here...........................

I~~"little ole'silly filled with fluff head' me is really the only one in this entire place who is honestly and truly an innocent..
yep yep yep~~

 

[Outlaw]

Thought I'd ad this to the joke thread even though there's a lot of truth in it........


As you may have heard, the Bush Administration has promised that each one of us will get a nice tax rebate in May.  But if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, it will all go to China.  If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs; neither will help the American economy.
 

We need to keep that money here in America.  The only way to accomplish this is to buy beer, or spend it on porn or prostitution, since these are the only big businesses left in the U.S.
 

Let's all stand together on this.

[Bill Stryker]

A Michigan Joke


A young woman in Cheboygan Michigan was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the Straits. She went to the
Mackinaw Bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a
handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the rail, crying.  He took pity
on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in
the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
good care of you and bring you food every day."   Moving closer, he
slipped his arm around her shoulder and added , "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."   The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have
to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her new meaning. 
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From
then on, every night, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.  Three weeks later,
during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.  "What are
you doing here?" the captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe , and he's
screwing me."   "He certainly is," the captain said.  "This is the
Mackinaw Island Ferry."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Right off the bat...ha ha ha ha haha  I have to apologize .. hahahahaha  because this is NOT a lady like joke.. ( oh ..I forgot~~none of mine are  ) I had heard this before, but I laughed so hard again.....I HAVE to post it on here.. 

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out.
The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.
Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

 "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and knew what you were going through as she had the operation done herself."

 "Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

[Outlaw]

Marshal'ette, that's disgusting!


Damn your good