Classic joke thread...

[TAB]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette Convertible out of the
dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought,"What am I
doing? I'm too old for this!" and he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his
watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can
give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused and said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"You have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

[Hazcat]

Conversation with Jesus . . .

Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a vodka and cranberry along with a quiet conversation with Jesus. This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day.

I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"


And he replied: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."

I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."

Jesus gazed in my direction and said: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".

I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it.
"Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"

Jesus replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to talk with you some more, Senor', but right now, I must finish cutting your lawn."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Gunslinger & the Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
 He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a young cocky gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying,
"Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,
"Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
 
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his
gun and turned around and staggered back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and
pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd
watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Have you ever kissed a mule square on his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed real hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old guys.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license,
I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said,
 "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next
Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend.
So why don't you get yourself a dog."

[Teresa Heilevang]

Had to put this one up here.. LOL

Dear Abby,


I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.
My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my
sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and
selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters,
who are prostitutes in Dallas .
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at  Huntsville
for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
 sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who
lives in  Longview.  She is a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and
look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be
totally open and honest with her. 
  Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

Signed,

"Worried About My Reputation"

 

[Sponsor]

[m25operator]

Marshall"ete,  We have got to party sometime, you've got it down. Great jokes and I do understand, the Texas joke. Makes me think twice about my good ones. Thanks....................

[Dakotaranger]

As seen here:  http://gunslingersjournal.blogspot.com/2008/01/faith.html         

Saw a billboard that said:

'Need help, call Jesus.'
1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity I did. A Mexican showed up with a tow truck

[m25operator]

FUNNY BUT SUPPOSEDLY TRUE




This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?



GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?



GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.



GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?



The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!



AMERICA , THE HOME OF THE FREE BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!!

[TAB]

A father walks into a market with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles, and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first, and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father, and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her, saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied, "Divorce Attorney."

[MikeBjerum]

A father and his young son were standing in line at the grocery store, and in front of them was a rather large nurse, or as we call them around here "a woman of substance."

Suddenly her pager started to beep.

The son jumped and screamed "Look out dad ... she's backin up!!!"