Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'   
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' 
 
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' 
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'   
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 
'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'   

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. 
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. 

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'   

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

[Bill Stryker]

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.
 
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate."
 
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud."
 
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke."
 
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman, would ya give me a diet coke with ice and lemon? Tanks."
 
The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"
 
Paddy replies "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I.

 

[Majer]

A missionary went into darkest Africa. As he and the guide were traveling along, the drums started pounding.
The missionary asked, "What does that mean? Are we in trouble?"
The guide said, "No. We will be all right as long as the drums are playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
The drums continued to beat.
Again the missionary voiced his concern about the drums. Again the guide said, "We will be all right as long as the drums are playing but when they stop, then something terrible will happen."
Finally the drums stopped and the trembling missionary asked, "What is going to happen now?"
The guide said, "Banjo solo."

[tombogan03884]

Raisin Bread ...
 
 
A bakery owner hires a young  female clerk who  likes to wear very short skirts and thong  panties. One day a young man  enters the store, glances at the  clerk and at the loaves of bread behind  the counter. Noticing  her short  skirt and the location of the raisin  bread, he has  a brilliant idea. "I'd  like some raisin bread please,"  the  man says.
 
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder  to reach the  raisin bread located on  the very top shelf.  The man standing almost  directly beneath her is provided with  an excellent view, just as he  thought.
 
When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had  better get  two loaves, as he is "having company for  dinner."
 
As  the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,  one of the other male customers notices what's going on and  requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
 
After  many trips she is tired and irritated, and begins to  wonder,  "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"
 
Atop  the  ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the  men standing below.  Then, she notices an elderly man standing  amongst the crowd. Thinking that  she can save herself a trip,  she yells at the elderly man,
 
"Is it  raisin for  you too?"
 
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's   quivering a  little."

[Teresa Heilevang]

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Sponsor]

[tt11758]

[Teresa Heilevang]

Law of Mechanical Repair
>1. After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

>2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped,
will roll to the least accessible corner.

>3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

>4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

>5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for
work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..

>6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes),
the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

>7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.

>8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

>9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

>. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

>14.. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

>18. Wilson's Law of Commercial
Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

>19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick

[tombogan03884]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game.

The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the redneck's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The redneck doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the redneck and hands him $500.00. The redneck pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The redneck reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

 

[tombogan03884]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says; "I love you."
 
She asks; "Is that you or the beer talking?"
 
He replies; "It's me ............. talking to the beer."

[sledgemeister]

WARNING NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK



My grandad said "it's going to be a f....k nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"

I said "tell me something I don't know......"

Grandad replied "your nana's arse can take my whole fist

To read quote the message, although be warned it is sick and gross... If you think you might get offended you probably will so dont quote it to read, you have been warned....