Classic joke thread...

[gunman42782]

A former coworker and I were at Sushi last night.
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us
and remarked, "That's us in 10 years".

He replied, "That's a mirror, ding-dong!

[jaybet]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

One is from  Chicago , another is from  Tennessee , and the third is from  Montana . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The  Montana contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. That's $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The  Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The  Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The  Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from  Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

And that, my friends, is how the Government Stimulus plan worked.

[TAB]

having worked in every state in the union, that sounds more like a texas oil field contractor then it does anything else.

Yeah, alot of midwestern/north east, its union thugs that actually end up doing the work.  Not low ball bidders.

Now in CA it would be $2600, $500 in parts, $100 for 25 mexicans, $1000 permit, and $1500 for a "green inspector" = $500 loss for the contractor.

[oldkat69]

  Subject: Fwd: Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?


I am a southerner.

Which are you?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.


You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two
small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the
corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges
at you...


You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What
do you do?



THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN:


Democrat's Answer:

· Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question!

· What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?

· Does the man look poor or oppressed?

· Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?

· Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to
attack?

· Could we run away?

· What does my wife think?

· What about the kids?

· Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the
knife out of his hand?

· What does the law say about this situation?

· Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?

· Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of
message does this send to society and to my children?

· Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

· Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content
just to wound me?

· If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family
get away while he was stabbing me?

· Should I call 9-1-1?

· Why is this street so deserted?

· We need to raise taxes.

· Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behavior.

· I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and
try to come to a consensus.

· This is all so confusing!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
......... ...
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
...... ...... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
......



Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG!
BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy!' 'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or
Hollow Points?!

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'

Wife: 'You are NOT taking that to a Taxidermist!

[Timothy]

[Sponsor]

[TAB]

Why is santa always jolley?


he knows where all the nuaghty girls live.

[Solus]

Got this in an email.....

         'I haven't left my house in days.
          I watch the news channels incessantly.
          All the news stories are about the election
          All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
          Election - erection - election - erection
          - - - either way we're getting screwed!'
          -- Bette Midler

[tombogan03884]

      Just watch the video.   

[Solus]

Gumby with cards 

[tombogan03884]

I laughed when the "Cardman" moved toward the crowd, and they all backed away.