Classic joke thread...

[ellis4538]

When did MJ go to bed?

When the big hand and little hand touched!


Sorry MJ


Richard

[m25operator]

L762, did you make that up, Bad, but very good.

[philw]

Never Lose your Grandkids

A heartwarming story.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've  lost my pop!"
The policeman asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, "Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits."

[philw]

HOW to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

[Badgersmilk]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nations_girlfriends_unveil_new

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000

[Sponsor]

[Badgersmilk]

[JC5123]

HOW to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

AND BEER!

[ericire12]

[fightingquaker13]

I think it has been posted before  however it is still funny



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.   After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two  men  and  a  woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.   Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. 

Kill Her!!!'

'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.   He took the gun and went into the room.   All was quiet for about 5 minutes.   The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.   She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another.   They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet.   The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


 

MORAL:  Women are evil 

You better get in line behind Eric for a chance at my horse (who is still off limits).
FQ13

[True_Texan]

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nations_girlfriends_unveil_new

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/police_slog_through_40_000

After watching those, this one popped up.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_to_hold_job_performance

Never gave a shit what we did.