Author Topic: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)  (Read 6244 times)

Hazcat

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For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« on: June 29, 2007, 09:12:47 AM »
Men Jokes
1. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
2. Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don't stop and ask for directions.
5. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
6. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
7. Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They already have boyfriends.
10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
11. When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
12. Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
13. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
14. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
15. Man says to God:; "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

timber

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Re: For the Ladies
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2007, 10:14:17 AM »
The Guys' Rules 



 

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.  ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) 


We always hear " the rules " From the female side.

  Now here are the rules from the male side. 
These are our rules!
 Please note.. these are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE!

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.



 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
 You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
 We need it up, you need it down.
 You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



 

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon 
or the changing of the tides.
 Let it be.



 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
 And no, we are never going to think of it that way.



 

1. Crying is blackmail.



 

1. Ask for what you want.
 Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
 Strong hints do not work!
 Obvious hints do not work!
 Just say it!



 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
 Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.



 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
 Don't ask us.



 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 



 

1. You can either ask us to do something
 or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both. 
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



 

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.



 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
 Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.



 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
 We do that.



 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.



 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 



 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
 or golf.



 

1. You have enough clothes.



 

1. You have too many shoes.



 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!



 

1. Thank you for reading this.
 Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


 But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.





Hazcat

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Re: For the Ladies
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2007, 10:26:18 AM »
Timber,  that is GREAT!  ;D ;D ;D ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Moosedog

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2007, 02:12:36 PM »
Only one I have to add is about us (men)

Don't ask us what we want to wear to some get together.  Either tell us or be prepared for us to pick out something comfortable that you don't like.  I deal with that one a lot.

Squibby

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2007, 08:17:55 PM »
For the Boyz...

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
"The difference between Idealism and Realism is directly porportional to the distance of the problem."

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #5 on: Today at 05:45:08 AM »

texcaliber

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2007, 08:34:44 PM »
My daughter and Woman just commented that this site is No. 1 for making me belly-busting-roar-on-the-floor-laugh!!!! I had to google mauve and its official..........Google is a dude cause it didnt even know what it was. Red, purple, grayish-blend of the two, ...... made up chick color sounds more like it. But what are ya gona do brothers!!!!!

Tex
"All I need in life is Love and a .45!"

Hazcat

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2007, 09:59:33 PM »
For the Boyz...

Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Hell, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier. Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Jealous are we ??  ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

Pathfinder

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2007, 11:44:40 PM »
Jealous are we ??  ;D

Haz, it's called P--- envy.

I guess that stands for P220, or maybe P226. Or maybe the new P01.

So it's envy, not jealousy.

 :D
"I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do this to others and I require the same from them"

J.B. Books

Dakotaranger

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2007, 02:41:13 AM »
The reason guys don't want to get married: There are times you can't tell which is less wanted marriage or death.  And sometimes they are as equally horrible.



I took this pic at Ben Franklin's when I had to get a wedding card for a friend... So, I'm not the only one with this opinion.
"One loves to possess arms, though they hope never to have occasion for them." --Thomas Jefferson, letter to George Washington, 1796

Hazcat

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Re: For the Ladies - Funnies (suitable for work)
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2007, 05:36:46 AM »
Haz, it's called P--- envy.

I guess that stands for P220, or maybe P226. Or maybe the new P01.

So it's envy, not jealousy.

 :D

Path,  That's one of the most sensible explanations I ever heard!  ;)

Dakota,  Been there done that twice and I couldn't agree more!   You know the definition of marriage don't ya?  "It's the Sc..wing you get for the Sc..wing you got."   ;D
All tipoes and misspelings are copi-righted.  Pleeze do not reuse without ritten persimmons  :D

 

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