World History 101

[Teresa Heilevang]

For those of you who slept through World History 101 here is a condensed version.


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and vice-versa.

These facts formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to grill at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly cookouts and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Another interesting evolutionary fact is that most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to form committes and govern the producers and decide what to do with the products. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe and only came to America once conservatives had tamed the Wild West and then created a lifestyle of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to respond in a nasty manner to the above.  'They cratth your eyeth owt!'

A conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this that he will send it immediately to others--and to more liberals...just to piss them off.   

[shooter32]

Well said M'ette!!!
Will there be a lesson 2???
A steak and a cold Bud sounds real good about now.   

[tt11758]

Thanks for sharing Teresa!!  Whaddaya say......want me to cook your steak medium rare?   lol

[twyacht]

I am going to have to print this out and "leave" them around the shop for a select individual to read. He fits the liberal description to a "T"

The girlie man thing almost made me knock over my AMERICAN MADE BEER!!!

Thank you Marshal'ette.

[Teresa Heilevang]

Yeah..
I want a Bud Light straight out of the bottle....and my steak medium...   

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

It's taken me 40 years of reading to learn the truth of what you summed up in 1/2 a page 

[tt11758]

Yeah..
I want a Bud Light straight out of the bottle....and my steak medium...   

Steak's just coming off the grill, T!  Want some tater salad and baked beans with that?  btw, here's another Bud Light.   

[tumblebug]

 This BUD IS FOR YOU [T].

[Ron J]

Having been in the meat industry for the last twenty plus years, I can grill a pretty good steak.  Tonight, I did a couple of USDA Choice Ribeyes ... 1 ½ inch thick medium rare with a nice hand rub (not too much salt because that can dry them out) along with some grilled sweet corn on the cob.  Side burner was running with some some shrooms & onions in butter with fresh garlic.  On the upside ...plenty of cold beer.  Tonight ... Negra Modelos.  Yeah it can be considered an "import" but the flavor is what a beer should be.   Dessert was home baked apple pie ... and more beer. 

So ... when you guys coming for steaks???

[Teresa Heilevang]

Tonight.. 
And then I want you to marry me.

(Only because you can cook as good as I can.. and we can share the kitchen)
You thought I only wanted you for your body...... didn't you~~! 
Wrong..  It is your steak and mushrooms.