For our Friends in Texas...and those who wish they were there

[onrecess]

1.In Texas, farmers can almost harvest boiled potatoes. That’s how hot the sun is shining down there.
2.The best dressed women in Texas are those wearing fine jewelry, a beautiful nightgown, and sleek black cowboy boots.
3.Texas humor teaches you that Texans don’t have accents. You simply can't understand Texas language.
4.In Texas, winter is the time when you can use the air conditioning system - the summer sun is going to burn it fast.
5.The summer of Texas is so hot trees are fighting over the pee of a dog.
6.In Texas, taxidermy is a very honorable profession.
7.Texans love deer food that they can make 10 different meals out of it.
8.No Texans can claim they are vegetarians. If anybody says he is, you have license to shoot.
9.To drive in Texas, you have to forget all the driving rules you learned from the other States.
10.Texas humor stories always say that going to Texas is like going to an entirely different country. That’s not true. You don’t need a visa to go to Texas. A good vision is all you need.
11.If you want to drink beer in Texas bars, you have to hold the bottle with your fingers covering the label. Not doing so is impolite.
12.Texans are not couch potatoes. They just love watching TV on a Saturday night.
13.Going to church on a Sunday is mandatory in Texas. Skip mass and you’ll never see the pastor in his boots.
14.In the Texan language, all questions should end in a proposition.
15.If you want to drive in Texas in July, you have to learn how to drive using only your fingers – you can’t hold the entire steering wheel because it is too hot.
16.English is the primary language used in Texas. But for some reason, you have to learn Spanish in order to understand it.

[m25operator]

 Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Texas ...

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Texas ;

I couldn't make this up if I tried.

Broke my right femur in 2 places in 1979, moved back in with mom and dad, for the recovery, 7months. Hanging out in our converted garage the phone rings, I answer and this guy is trying to reach Montgomery Wards, after he gets he has a wrong #, he asked where he is calling, and I say Garland tx, he says " well how the hell are ya Garland " I explained I was recovering from a broken leg, and he says " well I'm a musician, my name is Buck Taylor, I'm gonna be real famous one day, Here, Listen " He lays the phone down and does 3 tunes on stage, I can hear the people in the background, good country pickin, after the 3rd tune, he comes back to phone kind of hurried and says, " what did you think about that? gotta go, bye. " It was then I figured he was using the house phone of where ever he was, and running up a 20+ minute long distance bill, I don't know if he was THE Buck Taylor who is a star now.

[tombogan03884]

 This thread is making me feel better about the resume's I've been sending to the Dallas area. 

[Kid Shelleen]

Come on down Tom.

You're already a Texan, you just haven't been told yet.

You would be a great addition to the Lone Star State!!!

[tombogan03884]

Thank you sir .

[Sponsor]

[Kid Shelleen]

An oldie but goodie. Don't be intimidated by the length, it's worth it.

Texas Chili Cookoff

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1:       Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2:       Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3:       Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4:       Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5:       Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6:       Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7:       Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8:       Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

[Pathfinder]

OK, I gotta ask. What's up with Texas and forcing people to evacuate?

http://www.caller.com/news/2009/jul/26/police-can-use-force-compel-hurricane-evacuation/

By Denise Malan (Contact)
Sunday, July 26, 2009

A new state law will allow police to arrest people who don’t leave town under mandatory evacuation orders.

As it stands, officials cannot compel people to evacuate, only warn that those who stay behind won’t have any emergency services at their disposal. The new law gives county judges and mayors the power to authorize use of “reasonable force” to remove people from the area.

The law, passed this year, takes effect Sept. 1, in the heart of hurricane season in Texas. It also applies to other disasters, such as fires or floods.

[True_Texan]

That is bothersome Path. I will say that I don't necessarily like it, but at the same time I can see how it will probably be used. People who decide to stay and then need to be saved later will be footing the bill for the rescue, and that is fine by me. More then likely, it will be used to flat out refuse to save someone who chose to stay.

It was a dumb law to pass but it looks more like a CYA law then anything else and in a world filled with lawsuits over the smallest things, it is probably needed.

[tombogan03884]

That is bothersome Path. I will say that I don't necessarily like it, but at the same time I can see how it will probably be used. People who decide to stay and then need to be saved later will be footing the bill for the rescue, and that is fine by me. More then likely, it will be used to flat out refuse to save someone who chose to stay.

It was a dumb law to pass but it looks more like a CYA law then anything else and in a world filled with lawsuits over the smallest things, it is probably needed.

I haven't seen the wording of it. But look at what happened after Katrina, Those people are STILL pissing and moaning because The Govt. didn't cater to their every need after they were told to clear out.

[long762range]

"Things you need to know about living in Texas:"



1.   A possum (or an armadillo) is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
 
2.  There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas.
 
3.  There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas.
 
4.   If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite'cha.
 
5.   'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
 
6.   It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.

 7.  'Jaw-P?' means, 'Did y'all go to the bathroom?
 
8.   People actually grow and eat okra.
 
9.   'Fixinto' is one word.
 
10. There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a  little tea with our sugar.
 
12. Backwards and forwards means, 'I know everything about you.'
 
13. The word'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning, 'Did you eat?'
 
14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
 
15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No.Jew?' is a common response to the question, 'Did you bring any beer?'
 
17. You measure distance in minutes.
 
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.
 
21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
 
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
 
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm.'

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
 
27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World.'
 
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew weather.
 
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
 
30. We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive,dag- nabbit.

31. "All y'all" is more than one person.

32. You understand these jokes