FORMER VICE PRESIDENT SUGGESTS NEW SURVEY TO COMBAT GLOBAL WARMING
http://www.bsnews.com/algoresurveyConservative critics cried foul today as former Vice President Albert Gore unveiled plans for his Foul Air Reduction Techniques Survey. Gore, citing what he called mounting evidence that human flatulence is a major factor in global warming trends, defended his plan, which would mandate that every American keep a paper record of all their incidents of flatulence for a one month period, as a means of ascertaining just how serious the problem is and what should be done about it.
"FARTS is absolutely essential to determining just how much Americans' breaking wind is contributing to global warming," said Gore, who added that he himself may have been partly responsible for last year's record setting summer heat wave. "I ate a lot of Mexican food last summer," he admitted. "I'm not proud of it, but hopefully by coming clean I can persuade others to look inside their own colons and see what they might be doing to exacerbate global warming."
Gore's FARTS survey, which would become mandatory if legislation introduced by Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) becomes law, would have every American list and turn in to the government not only information about each of incidence of flatulence for one month, but also detailed information about their diet and lifestyle. Each American would be required to provide details as to how long each passage of gas lasted, its sound and odor, and also its temperature (rectal thermometers would be provided free of charge under the Kennedy bill).
One surprising critic of Gore's plan was Massachusetts Congressman Barney Frank, who, in a hastily called press conference of his own, stated angrily, "What goes on in my rectum is none of Al Gore's damned business!" Rep. Frank laughed heartily when asked if his real concern was having to endure the discomfort of a rectal thermometer several times a day. "Hell, I can't even FEEL rectal thermometers any more, so why would I care about that?"
Vice President Gore vigorously denied rumors that he growled, "Barney Frank sucks" upon viewing Rep. Frank's comments.
Conservative critics called Gore's plan a waste of taxpayer money and an invasion of privacy, and questioned whether Gore's recent purchases of Gas-X and Beano stock might constitute an ulterior motive for his proposal. Mr. Gore tittered smugly when informed of these accusations.
"This is about the children," he said. "Either the Republicans don't get that, or they just don't care. Every time Rush Limbaugh or Trent Lott breaks wind, they're murdering a child who hasn't even been born yet, by contributing to deadly global warming." When asked if this statement meant that he now opposes abortion, Mr. Gore smiled tolerantly.
"No, no," he said, sounding like a patient teacher lecturing a difficult student. "Abortion means fewer people passing gas, which means less global warming, which means fewer children will die."
Gore was quick to point out that human flatulence related- global warming is a bi-partisan problem, citing his old boss President Bill Clinton as a contributor to the crisis, as well.
"I remember at a cabinet meeting just after Vladimir Putin took office in Russia, Madeline Albright wondered aloud, 'Who is Putin, really?' Bill misunderstood the question and said, 'It's me -- I had bean burritos for lunch.'"
Mr. Gore praised the Kennedy bill for including his plan to issue "Human Emission Allowance Points" (HEAPs). Under the plan, each citizen would be issued 50 HEAPs per month, which would be have to be presented and used when purchasing food at restaurants and grocery stores. Foods would be assigned HEAP values based on their likelihood of causing flatulence (an enchilada dinner would use up five HEAPs, which a tuna fish sandwich would consume only two). HEAPs could also be traded or sold, much like carbon credits.
"I believe giving the American people a HEAP is what the federal government does best," Gore enthused.
When asked about accusations that his own recent purchases of Popeye's and KFC stock were the reason he specifically exempted fried chicken from the HEAP requirements, Gore exploded in righteous rage.
"This is about the children -- the CHILDREN! My God, people, can't you see that? Don't you GET IT?? Wake up, before it's too late!" These remarks drew a standing ovation from the gathering of seasoned, unbiased journalists.
In closing, Gore called on all Americans to participate in FARTS voluntarily ("There's really no reason for anyone to have to go to jail," he assured soothingly), and suggested a few possible solutions to the problem of human flatulence-related global warming.
"It's very easy for us to save our planet and our children from the menace of flatulence," he said. "Follow the forthcoming mandatory govermental diet guidelines, which Tipper and Speaker Pelosi are writing as we speak, get plenty of exercise and rest, drink plenty of water and eat plenty of delicious, nutritious and totally HEAP-exempt fried chicken. But perhaps the simplest and easiest way of all is by taking one of these fine products," Gore continued, holding up containers of Gas-X and Beano.
"Take Beano before every meal, and there'll BE NO global warming!"
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Topic: Former VP Gore unveils important new global warming survey. (Read 2374 times)