Like the tap ... Who the hell broke the tap? Damn it ... If you fess up and bring a new one now all will be forgiven! If not ... M'ette will find you laying on her porch roof with the headless dummy already there!
Ooooooooooooooooook ... I'm just going to sit over here with my legs crossed, duct taping the tap back together and picking cheez whiz out of the furniture 
Don't need to worry about a broken tap. All you need to do to get the beer out of the keg is woop like an Indian as you jump off the roof with a hatchet and chop a hole in the
bottom of the keg to pour the beer out. M'Ette wont see the hole in the bottom and niether will the store clerk when you return it for the deposit. Although it is a little tough to haul the keg back when your on crutches from leaping off the roof.