Simple, proven and a lot cheaper than competing litoral designs.
FQ13
http://exurbanleague.com/2009/04/10/vikings--pirates.aspxVikings vs. Pirates
Posted by Jon at 4/10/2009 10:38 AM
Categories: Jon,Politics,Humor
Since our moderate Pirate parody was passed around the Net, several left-of-center commentators have politely asked, "well, what the $#%^* would you do, you #%^*in' neocon #%^*-#%^*-er, imperiali$t dumb-$#%^* #%^*ing running-$#%^*-dawg $#%^* $#%^*-$#%^* 4 TEH $#%^*$#%^* AND $#%^* $#%^*? $#%^*!!1"
Frankly, my Pirate solution is simple. Instead of reaching out to negotiate with those who wish us nothing but ill, we must reluctantly fight fire with fire. And we should use fire which is hotter and even more flamey.
Artist rendering.
So, who can stand up to the barbarism and savagery of Pirates? Only one group: Vikings.
"But, Jon, what about Ninjas?" Granted, Ninjas use their stealthy, catlike skills brilliantly on land. But like their feline brethren, get them near water and they couldn't fight off an asthmatic girl scout.
Vikings ruled the seas far longer than did the lowly Pirates. These fearsome Norsemen marauded, pillaged and terrorized waters from Byzantium to Vinland centuries before the first disaffected Limey compensated for his stubby leg with a flamboyant parrot.
President Obama should immediately built a small fleet of wooden longboats capable of sustained littoral operations. Supply routes are unnecessary since the Vikings simply raid unprotected coastal areas for supplies. And, powered by wind and oar, this truly green-water fleet should easily pass muster with the EPA and most environmental NGOs.
There could be some political pushback about a force exclusively staffed by burly blonde males, but Democrats from the northern Midwest should be happy to have those types out of their districts for good. Expect newly minted Minnesota senator Al Franken to co-sponsor the Viking Authorization Bill, building up his defense bona fides.
"But Jon, why use swords, clubs and battle-axes when we have a modern, well-equipped Navy already in the region?" First Ninjas, now this? You sir, are a foreign policy dilettante.
Sure, we could send a destroyer to sink a fleet of Somali dinghies, but where's the fun in that? In politics, perception is reality and Vikings vs. Pirates is flat-out COOL.
Can you imagine the YouTube videos? Cable news would help fund the initiative just for the ratings boost.
Therefore, Exurban League calls on President Obama to do the right thing for our country, free trade and our entertainment: Use Vikings to kill the Pirates. If not for us, Sir, then for the children.
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