Classic joke thread...

[tt11758]

I once stopped at a 24 hour store just as they were locking up and I asked, "Why are you locking the door?  The store is open for 24 hrs isn't it?".....

"Yes!", he replied, "But not all in a row!".......

 

File that under:

"Things that make you go WTF?!?"

[Bill Stryker]

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to," Dave replied. I went home from work last night and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.. When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM!"

[Johnny Bravo]

 A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana and talks with an old rancher.

 He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

 

 The old rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
 
The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?

Do you understand?"

 

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.

 
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence, and yells at the top of his lungs, "Your badge! Show him your badge!"

[tombogan03884]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
 
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
 
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
 
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape.. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Always remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
 
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
 
And finally:
 
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Johnny Bravo]

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot..
'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
'No objection,' the patient say=. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
'It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.’

[Sponsor]

[red364]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
 

Dude!!  Ewwwwwww!   

[Pathfinder]

Dude!!  Ewwwwwww!   

What? Like you never . . .

ooo, sorry, forgot, you're one of the ladies here. Ladies would never ever think of using the sink, right? Right M'ette? ? ? 

[Steyr M40A1]

19.  WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

Or braille on the baby changing station in the bathroom?

[cookie62]

What? Like you never . . .

ooo, sorry, forgot, you're one of the ladies here. Ladies would never ever think of using the sink, right? Right M'ette? ? ? 

I used to work in a bar, I can't count the times we had to put the sink back on the wall after a busy night.

[cookie62]

> The year is 1947
> >
> > Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little
> over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying
> object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed
> onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New
> Mexico . This is a well known incident that
> many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force
> and other federal agencies and organizations.
> >
> > However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of
> April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the
> following people were born:
> >
> >
> > Albert A. Gore, Jr.
> > Hillary Rodham
> > John F. Kerry
> > Howard Dean
> > Nancy Pelosi
> > Dianne
> Feinstein
> > Charles E.
> Schumer
> > Barbara Boxer
> >
> >
> > See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and
> > jackasses?
> > I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a
> lot of
> > things for you. It did for me.
> >
> > No wonder they support the bill to help illegal
> aliens!