Classic joke thread...

[Teresa Heilevang]

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every  day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world  problems.
 One day Tom didn't show up.  Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.  But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.   
However, since the only time they ever  got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.   
 A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom,  but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom!   

Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said,  'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?' 
 
Tom  replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 
'Jail?!!??!!' cried  Sam. 'What in the world for?'
 
'Well,' Tom  said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
 
 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.  What about her?'
 
'Well,  she filed rape charges against me;  and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.....and the bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!   

[Teresa Heilevang]

[Bill Stryker]

We all remember the

"Hillary Meal;"  small breasts and big thighs.



Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.



It's called the

"Obama Cabinet Bucket

It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

[tt11758]

We all remember the

"Hillary Meal;"  small breasts and big thighs.



Now, KFC has announced an addition to their chicken dinners.



It's called the

"Obama Cabinet Bucket

It consists of nothing but left wings and assholes.

Bill, this thread is for JOKES, not salient observations.   

[MinotBob]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.



The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.



He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"



The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.



The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.



The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.



The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.



I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

[Sponsor]

[tombogan03884]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'
Customer says, 'Female.'
Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?
Customer says, 'White.'
Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[tt11758]

How the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work, He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day For 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes Into a tree while driving home drunk, He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a Deranged madman, You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks Into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.



I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.



So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to blame Bill Gates.

[Solus]

A farmer has been noticing his prize bull has not been performing up to it's usual standards lately.

He goes to a vet and the vet gives him some powder and tells him to add it to the bulls feed.

The next day, after eating the treated feed, the bull is back on top of  his game, even better than ever, running from cow to cow.

A neighbor, who was aware of the problem, notices the dramatic change in the bulls performance and asks the farmer what was done.

The farmer tells the neighbor about the vet and the powder.

The neighbor says  "WOW! What is that powder called?"

The farmer answers  "I don't know, but it tastes like licorice"

[Big Frank]

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "'T-G-I-F' means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"

[tombogan03884]

On the first day, God created the dog and said,"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed . . .

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed . . .

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again . . .

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.