Classic joke thread...

[PegLeg45]

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing.
The frog's a ventriloquist."

Ha!!!.....
Good one!!     



And stolen to share. 

[Majer]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?" "Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we could have, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Majer]

On the first day of Christmas...

                             Miss Agnes McHolstein
                             69 Cash Avenue
                             Beaver Valley, Colorado

                             December 14, 1994

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree.  What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.

                    With deepest love and devotion,

                    Agnes

On the second day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves.  I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift.  They are just
adorable.

                            All my love,

                            Agnes

On the third day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really
must protest.  I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.

                            Love,

                            Agnes

On the fourth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 17, 1994

Dear John,

Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

                            Affectionately,

                            Agnes

On the fifth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger.  You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                            All my love,

                            Anges

On the sixth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 19, 1994

Dear John:

When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps.  So, you're back to
the birds again, huh?  Those geese are huge.  Where
will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

Please stop.

                            Cordially,

                            Agnes

On the seventh day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 20, 1994

John:

What's with you and those crazy birds?  7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!

                            Sincerely,

                             Agnes

On the eighth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows!  There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me,
smart ass.

                            Agnes

On the ninth day of Christmas...


                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 22, 1994

Hey!  Shithead,

What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9
pipers playing.  And boy, do they play.  They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do?  The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.

                            You'll get yours,

                            Agnes

On the tenth day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 23, 1994

You Rotten Sadist,

Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies.  They've been messing with
those pipers all night long.  Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit.  The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.

I'm sicking the police on you.

                            One who means it.

On the eleventh day of Christmas...

                            Miss Agnes McHolstein
                            69 Cash Avenue
                            Beaver Valley, Colorado

                            December 24, 1994

Listen!  Looser,

What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again.  Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All
23 of the birds are dead.  They've been trampled
to death in the orgy.  I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.

                            Your sworn enemy,

                            Agnes

On the twelfth day of Christmas...

                          Law Offices
                          Badger, Bender and Cahole
                          303 Knave Street
                          Chicago, Illinois

                          December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.  All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight.  With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.

                          Cordially,

                          Badger, Bender and Cahole

[kmitch200]

Early one morning, an elderly retired fighter pilot yelled to his wife....
 
"Honey!! Come see what I created!! It's an abstract panorama depicting the five years of the Obama presidency!"
 
She yelled back, "Flush the toilet and come eat your breakfast."

[kmitch200]

newspapers

[Sponsor]

[Solus]

About the 12 days of Christmas....maybe 10 or 15 years ago, I saw a video of that...they had little kids maybe 5 years old or so and each kid was put in charge of keeping the gift of the day in place on stage...and they did it so that each day's gift was repeated on each of the following days.

Event he kid with one partridge each day was getting swamped.  Don't remember what they did for some of the stuff, but they came up with something suitable for a kid to try to herd...

It was adorable and watching the kids trying so hard and seeing their looks of dismay as more and more charges were turned over to them....and they kept trying.

I have never been able to find that video again and thought I'd ask if anyone might know a source for it.  It was shown on a Cable Channel, something like Lifetime maybe.

Any help?

Another video, probably on the same channel, was about a couple of kids who were left in charge of a pet store while the owner had to go out.  Customers in on the story came in and helped things get out of hand...The kids just kept trying to maintain order and were making some surprisingly good decisions, but the deck was stacked against them.

 

[MikeBjerum]

Sometimes the best jokes show up in real life:

[gunman42782]

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you all about drinking and driving after a "social session" with friends.

Well, this past Saturday, I was out on a post-Thanksgiving evening with long-lost friends. I had a few cocktails, followed by a handful of glasses of vintage red wine. Despite the jolliness, I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That's when I decided to do what I have never done before: I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police road block on the highway looking for drunk drivers but, since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was both a great relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to do with it.

[fatbaldguy]

How cold is it?  It was so cold the other day, that I actually saw a democrat with his hands in his OWN pockets!

[Majer]

8 Words With 2 Different Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.


2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup.



3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.



4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.

Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one .



5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.



6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by - product of idigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.



7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.<-------Yes!



8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


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